UPJOKE
emigrationcountrymigrantcitizenshiprefugeeexpatriatecitizenunited statesqataremploymentretirementexpatriatessaudi arabiaundocumentedimmigration

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

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A billionaire, a worker, and an immigrant approach a table with 1000 cookies

The billionaire takes 999 cookies and tells the worker, "watch out, that immigrant is going to snatch your cookie."

What was the court case between an immigrant and a priest called?

Alien v. Predator.

What do you call a mad immigrant?

An immi-grunt!

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

Apparently, Trump is blaming Melania for advising him to endorse failed NJ candidate Dr. Oz.

Which makes sense, he blames illegal immigrants for everything.

update: thank you to /u/supergenius98k for the original comment that made this joke. I enjoyed it but couldn’t find the comment again when submitting to r/jokes. thanks to /u/martini497osu for finding the source for me

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Why don’t illegal immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?

Because of all the No “Tres”passing signs that are posted

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

One day 3 immigrants

One day 3 immigrants were sitting in a bar: A Syrian, an Afghan and a Turkish

The Syrian finishes his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. As pieces of glass are raining on them he says "In Syria glasses were so cheap that we never drank from the same glass twice"
...

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

I tried smoking weed with my immigrant friends but they all ran away

I only asked "any papers?"

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With the World Cup just days away I've finally prepared my house to get into the spirit

I locked up some immigrants in my basement and took their passports away until it's fully refurbished to watch the games.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

What's the difference between an immigrant and a notebook?

A note book has papers.

Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.

It's 1860 in the Bowery. A prim Anglo woman knocks on the door of an Irish catholic immigrant...

She says, "I'm here supporting James Mason for mayor. He wants to increase money for public schools."

"What's he want to do that for?" the Irish woman asks.

"Well, he believes in the importance of education."

The Irish woman seems confused. "That's it? His sister doesn't work...

What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

After receiving an 89 on his English exam, an immigrant mother tries to cheer up her perfectionist son by telling him "You've gotta be positive!"

"It's pronounced 'B plus'", replied the son, "and I wanted an A!"

I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

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If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.

Stranger: What is your name, sad lady

Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat

Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilt...

A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

Why did the Greek immigrant squat on the side of the road?

He was ex-Cretan

A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

What does an immigrant like in their water, but not at their door?

ICE

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Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home

What is an immigrant’s favourite sport?

Cross-country.

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These immigrant internment centers are worse than Nazi concentration camps

The concentration camps at least had working showers.

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Immigrant comes to a doctor...

"Doctor, after I left my country and traveled here, I feel very ill. I dont sleep well, I cant eat. Help me!", - says immigrant.

"I was in the same situation before", - doctor replies. "There is a bucket in other room. Go take a crap, piss in it, then put your head inside".

Immigrant i...

Why Did The Mexican Immigrant Take Xanax?

He Had Borderline Anxiety.

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

What did Donald Trump say to the thieving immigrant at the RNC?

Great speech sweetheart!

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"

The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

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One African immigrant works as a street cleaner

He hates his job. People disrespect him. A friend of him, working as him, coming from the same village, tells him to quit. The guy refuses, says he has a family to take care and keeps cleaning.


His friend tells him to stop and to look at the shop. He sees some crocodile leather shoes sold...

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

I was going to make a illegal immigrant joke

But I wouldn't want to cross that border

What do you call an old Hispanic immigrant?

A señor citizen.

I don't think my immigrant friend is good at English

Cause every time i ask him where he came from he only say:"YeahMen"

I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester...

They're calling it Alien vs Predator.

Milio Yiannopoulos is now an unemployed immigrant on a work visa.

Let's deport him!

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

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A new immigrant is learning how to date in America.

He meets a nice girl and they go on a date. At the end of the date, as he’s walking her home he asks her what he can give her as a gift for their second date. She says that it would be a nice if he gave her flowers, so before the next date he stops at the local flower shop. At the end of the second...

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of Mexican immigrants, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the p...

Immigrants speak the best English.

Three paisanos from the old country are trying to impress each other with the big words they have learned in English.

One says, “My wife can’t have more children. That means she’s inconceivable.”

The second says, “That’s too bad, but you used the wrong word, you mean she’s impregnabl...

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

The Chinese immigrant

There's an old Chinese guy in my hometown who goes by Giacomo Antonelli. One day, I asked him how he ended up with an Italian name. He said that when he came to the US, he somehow got on the wrong ship and ended up traveling the long way from China to New York instead of San Francisco. The guy in fr...

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