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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

The young couple was holding hands in the nudist camp.

"When I tell you that I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.

A group of Qubits walks into a bar holding hands.

The same group stayed outside the bar.

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A homicidal rapist is holding hands with a little girl.

They are walking through a dense and eerie forest at night. Sounds of owls, wolves and other animals echos around. "This place is really scary sir" says the girl. The man looks around. The sound of wolves send chills down he's spine. He looks at the girl and says: "Yeah. Imagine me that I have to re...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the ...

A little boy and a clown are walking into the woods together holding hands

It's night time and everything is very dark.

The little boy turns to the clown and says "I'm scared"

To which the clown turns to him and replies "You're scared! I'm the one that's gotta walk out of here alone"

Me and my pirate girlfriend

[holding hands]

Me: babe why's your hand so cold

Gf: that me hook

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

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A young man goes on a date with a very short girl.

Despite her stature she is pretty sweet and beautiful. The date is going well and after a long walk he decided to walk her home.

As they are walking they start holding hands, kissing and finally they start making out against a wall in a dark alley. The man is getting horny so he sees a hook u...

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I believe your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"Of course not! He would hav...

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

So this guy has a pair of bunnies

So this guy has a pair of bunnies, and the bunnies are really old. One day he wakes up and both the bunnies have died. He's really sad, and he can't stand the thought of never seeing them again, so he puts them in a silk-lined box and takes them down to the local taxidermy shop. He sets the box on t...

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began

"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"

Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

The story of Tym

There once was a guy named Tym (Tim spelled T.Y.M.)



Anyways, in a casual conversation with his boss, Tym says,

"I will bet you $100 that I personally know anyone in the world, anyone you can name"

The boss, obviously did not believe this and replies with Lebron James....

A young Scottish lad and lassie

were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out at the Loch.

They sat in silence for several minutes before the girl looked at the boy.

“A penny for your thoughts, Angus,” she said.

“Well, I was thinking. Perhaps it’s about time for a wee kiss,” he replied.
...

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A man and his husband walk into a local church...

A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.

Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:

>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inher...

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When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

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A Statue of Two Lovers

Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to l...

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A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

A hunter takes two monkeys to a taxidermist…

The taxidermist asks “Do you want these mounted?”

The hunter responds “No, holding hands would be just fine”

A man was driving (longish)

one day when he noticed a truck broken down by the side of the road. He pulled over and asked could he help. The truck driver told him that he was on his way to Dublin to bring a penguin to the zoo but that his engine was fried.

The driver said to him: "Well, I'm going to Dublin, so if you wa...

An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died

So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

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A Christian boy, about 15, is sitting on the couch with his girlfriend...

...after about a half hour of just holding hands the girl takes his hand and starts moving it up her thigh underneath her skirt.

"I can't." He says.
"Why not? Don't you want me?" She whispers.
"My mom says that girls have teeth...ya know...down there and they'll bite my pecker off if we...

Guy walks into a taxidermists...

Guy walks into a taxidermists with two cardboard boxes, one under each arm.

"Yes sir, can I help you?" Asks the taxidermist.

"I hope so" replies the guy "It's my two pet monkeys you see... they were out playing in the road yesterday and a car came swerving round the corner, and they w...

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There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail e...

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It had been a beautiful day. NSFW

Two happily married octogenarians were sitting on their front porch, rocking away, holding hands and silently enjoying the wonderful day together.
Suddenly, the old lady violently backhands the old man. He and his rocking chair go over backwards, through the porch railing and lands in the yard...

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A struggling music producer is having trouble selling any of his work, and in his desperation decides to do the score for a low budget porno movie.

It’s not the most glamorous job, but hey, it’s gonna pay the bills, so he really puts a lot of effort into making the best damn low budget porno soundtrack ever. After a lot of hard work, the movie is finally done and the producer gets his check in the mail along with a complimentary ticket to see t...

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I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist

Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery (edited for cultural sensitivities)...

An arab man and a jewish man both decide to head into a bakery together, holding hands no less.

After a brief disagreement on who would hold the shop's door open for the other, they proceeded to pass through the doorway facing each other, so as to enter at the same time.

The two frie...

I was walking in the park today with my Auburn t-shirt on.

There was a couple holding hands walking toward me on the path and I could see that the guy had an Alabama hat on. As the couple passed, the guy exclaimed, "Roll tide buddy!" I'm not one for confrontation so I decided to give him a complement, and told him his sister was hot.

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