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Ruff Policy

My dog, Case, swallowed my proof of car insurance. It's really no big deal though. My insurance is just in Case.

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A ruff night NSFW

A guy walks into a bar as soon as it opens, bags under his eyes, hair all messed up and vomit on his shirt and says, "Bartender, give me the strongest shot you've got."

The bartender says, "Man, you look rough! Must have been one helluva night."

The man downs his shot and says, "Man, I...

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My girlfriend and I only ever have sex in the doggy style position

She said I misunderstood her when she told me she "likes it ruff"

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

Eating dogs is frowned upon….

…not just for medical and ethical reasons, but because the meat is also a little ruff.

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender stops him at the door and says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But this dog is almost human! He talks!"

The bartender says, "YEAH RIGHT, if your dog can talk I'll let you in AND cover your tab."

The owner says "OK, ask him anything!"

T...

A dog goes and licks a tree.

The dog exclaims ruff...bark

You hear about the dog that is into BDSM?

He likes it ruff

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

Ruff ruff

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

One furry asked another furry how she like it in bed

'Ruff', she said.

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h...

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**

Rover, "Why are you guys here?"

Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.

Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.

How about you Rover?"

Rover...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something?

Because it's always ruff...

(Thought of this while walking the dog and now just hoping it's good enough that one day I see it reposted in here)

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t let animals in here.”

The man tells the barkeep, “But my dog can talk! Will you let him in if he talks?”

The barkeep lets out some chuckles and shakes his head. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he says.

The man looks at his dog and smiles. “Alright! Wha...

My talking dog scratched his back on a tree

When he was done, he said "Woof, that bark was ruff."

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

Dog just ate my wife's wedding ring

Vet said we have a diamond in the ruff.

What do you call a group of dogs that never laugh at jokes?

A ruff crowd

What's an Scottish dog's favourite place to sleep?

On the ruff

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

A saw an old man in the park shouting "Come here, Tony Montana! Come here!"...

When a dog came running I had to go up and ask him if he really named his dog Tony Montana?

- Yes, I named him that since all he does is quote the movie Scarface.

I got a confused look on my face and asked if he was serious?

- Hey, I'll prove it to you!

He turned to his...

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

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How do dogs like their sex?

Ruff.

I’m so sorry.

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth

I thought they'd be ruff

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a s...

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My dog always came back bruised and beaten after having sexy time with his girlfriend. I finally asked him about how it went.

He said: "ruff".

A cop was chasing 3 girls

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde.
They run to a nearby barn to hide.
The brunette hides in the dog sack.
The red head hides in the cat sack.
And the blonde hides in the potato sack.

Cop catches up and looks in the barn, kicks the dog sack and the brunette says “ruff”

K...

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A Shaggy Dog Story

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He says to the bartender; “I have a talking dog, and for a drink, I’ll prove it to you.”
The bartender pours the man a drink.
The man has his drink. When he finishes, the bartender says, “so let’s hear your dog talk.”
The man says to the dog;
“W...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week.

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.

**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.

**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.

**Why ...

Person 1: I made a picture of a dog.

Person 2: It doesn't look much like a dog.

Person 1: I know, it's just a ruff sketch.

The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."

The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"

"Ruff" says the dog.

"What i...

I tried to start a doggy day care, but it failed within the first couple days.

I only had a ruff idea of what I was doing.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before...

My dog told me he lost 50% of his dandruff with his new shampoo but we was upset because now his fur was more

ruff

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

They sit at the counter, and the guy calls the bartender over.

"I'll bet you a beer that my dog can talk."

"Sure bud, whatever you say."

The guy turns to his dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"

"RUFF!" Barks the dog.

The bartender chuckles a bit, "Okay, that's pr...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running away from a insane killer.

After some time running the brunette spots a barn.

They all run into the barn to find there's only three big brown burlap sacks to hide in.

The redhead says "follow my lead" and jumps into one of the sacks.
The other girls jump into theirs too.

Soon after, the k...

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

So 2018 is the Chinese year of the dog...

Looks like it's gonna be ruff

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I knew a girl once who was into beastiality.

She liked it ruff.

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A man and his dog walk in to the bar

The man tells the bartender he’s celebrating getting his dog back from his ex because his dog can talk.

“Oh, yea? If that dog can talk all your drinks are on the house,” the bartender says.

“Deal. Hey boy, whats sandpaper feel like?”

The dog barks, ruff! ruff!

“Hey boy, w...

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

I wish I could speak to dogs...

but it's okay because all I would get is a ruff translation

Three mice

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

I enrolled into dog university...

but i quit because the course was really ruff

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A Indian man walked into a grosery store in the wild west

wanting to buy toilet paper. The clerk told him they had one cheap brand with no name and a brand called luxury. The Indian man settled for the no name cheap one.
After two days he came back and told the clerk he had a name for the cheap toilet paper.
You can call it John Wayne. The clerk sai...

A BRUNETTE A RED HEAD AND A BLONDE WERE IN ...

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out.

The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come o...

My dog got in a fight today

It was quite ruff

A dog walks into a bar...

Bartender nods and says, "Hey dog, haven't seen you in a while, how are things going?"

Dog looks at him sadly and replies, "Ruff."

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

I hired a dog landscaper the other day.

I guess you can say he was "Ruff around the hedges".

What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

"Today sure was ruff"



Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

I make a living by sending my talking dog out to the streets to beg for change.

Today, he's come home empty handed. I asked why, but all he says is, "ruff ruff, grrrRRrRrrrr".

I don't get it, he was talking when I sent him out this morning and now he makes no cents.

An oldie, but a goodie...

Back in the days of vaudeville, a man walks into a talent agent's office with a small dog under his arm.

"This is the most amazing act you've ever seen!" he declares "What I have here is an ACTUAL TALKING DOG! Prepare to be amazed!"

With that he places the dog on the agent's desk and...

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I can always hear my roomate bark while having sex

He likes it ruff

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

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My girlfriend and I tried Anal sex for the first time today.

It was a little ruff at first but I'm finally managing to sit down again.

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to t...

Go on, ask your dog how’s life.

He’ll most likely answer, „Ruff!

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