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Stocks Jokes

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

I’ve started investing in stocks

Beef, chicken, and vegetable… one day I hope to be a bouillionaire

We're having a flash sale at the sperm bank, but our stocks are low

So it's first cum, first served

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

i watched a commercial that said: "forget everything you know about stocks

so i did

then the commercial tried to sell me stocks, but i didn't know what the hell they were!

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

With the recent hike in GameStop stocks...

You are able to return something from GameStop and get your money back for the first time.

I am a stock broker

I am broke after investing in stocks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

I bought some Bose stocks today.

It was a sound investment.

We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

I've put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they've had their ups and downs.

You need to invest in skylight stocks.

Business is through the roof.

I called gamestop custsomer service regarding their stocks and was put through after a 30mins wait..

And guess what? They told me to hold.

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

Circus stocks are up

Because the clowns sure are making a killing.

The proper way to manage marijuana stocks.

Buy high sell higher.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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