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An Australian medical helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Dear Helpline.

I am 17 years old and pregnant with my new boyfriend,

who is 20 years older than me, he is married with 3 kids.

He is a drug dealer, carries a gun and is just out of prison.

How do I tell my parents he supports Manchester United.??

Just tried calling the tinnitus helpline

but it just kept ringing

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

I called the Suicide helpline for assistance

Turns out they only help PREVENT suicide. Bah!

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the anger management helpline.

They told me to fuck off and call back later.

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Men’s Helpline

Men's Help Line
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with 'the ...

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?

Our helpline is open 24/7

What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?

No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.

Is this the Alcoholics helpline?

Operator: "Yes."
Caller: "Can you tell me how to make Sangria?"

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

Paranoia Hotline

I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.

I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.

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