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Helpline Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

Just tried calling the tinnitus helpline

but it just kept ringing

I called the Tinitutus Helpline.

It didn't stop ringing.

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

Dear Helpline.

I am 17 years old and pregnant with my new boyfriend,

who is 20 years older than me, he is married with 3 kids.

He is a drug dealer, carries a gun and is just out of prison.

How do I tell my parents he supports Manchester United.??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men’s Helpline

Men's Help Line
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with 'the ...

I called the Suicide helpline for assistance

Turns out they only help PREVENT suicide. Bah!

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the anger management helpline.

They told me to fuck off and call back later.

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

Is this the Alcoholics helpline?

Operator: "Yes."
Caller: "Can you tell me how to make Sangria?"

Googling for suicide tips gets you a helpline, so I called them up

They were really unhelpful, should've been called a stop-line with the way they were going about things.

 

>!Because a suicide **help** line sounds like they'll assist you, when in reality they're trying to stop you.!<

When's the improper fraction helpline open?

24/7

What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?

No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?

Our helpline is open 24/7

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

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