UPJOKE

Help Me Jokes

Please help me I'm trapped. In a Haiku factory.

Save me before they

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She...

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Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

Doctor, help me

A man rushes into a doctors office in panic and yells: “Doctor, help me i’m shrinking!”

To which the doctor replies: “Have some manners, wait in line….. be a little patient!”

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

Woman: Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Looks like you have Parking Sons Disease.

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Help me

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

help, no seriously help me

so a lot of my friends got really hooked on TikTok and stuff and I think they were addicted.


So what's the easiest way to get rid of like 6 bodies?

A man goes to see his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

Patient to Doctor: Please help me! My pee is red!

Doctor: Urine danger!

Could anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle?

2 Across: "Where they nailed Jesus."

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

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Can you help me with my sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.

So I got her some diet pills.

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

Doctor, Doctor, doctor! Help me. My teenage son thinks he's a refrigerator.

Stay calm. I'm sure he'll chill out!

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A friend once told me he enjoyed masturbating in front of other people. When I told him I couldn't relate, he made a real effort to help me understand...



...and now I can see where he's coming from.

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

Please Help me...please

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down t...

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

Help me please, I think I'm addicted to water

I feel like I can't even live without it

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HELP ME, PREMATURE EJACULATION MAN!

I'm coming!

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD.

I never finished it.

No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it's a lost cos.

No plastic surgeon will help me!

I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

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I prayed to God to help me stop masturbating.

And now I’m never allowed back at that church.

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a...

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Help Me

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it...

Help me?

Alright, this one isn't a joke, but this is one of my favorite boards to lurk, and I need help. I'm giving a wedding speech tomorrow. I'm the groom. I really only have enough space in the speech for one joke. I want to insert it early in the speech, and have it be a great ice breaker. Nothing overly...

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

[Help] please help me find reasonably clean jokes to tell at a wedding. Greatly appreciated.

I am going to be the master of ceremonies and would greatly appreciate two or three clean jokes to break the ice. Thank you very much

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

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I asked a stewardess if she wanted to help me join the mile high club...

She informed me she didn't give a flying fuck.

Please help me understand this math joke

If our bodies are 75% water, what is the other 50% made of.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

I asked my Spanish neighbor to help me fix my tv.

It was a very expensive tv and I told him that I had been meaning to sell it for a while, and would sell it once I got it fixed. He looked confused.

“por que?”

“No, it’s only HD”

"Doctor, help me. I've been sleeping like a log."

Doctor: "So how is that a problem?"

Patient: "I keep waking up in the fireplace."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

Can someone help me?

Watt is the unit of power?

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

Reddit, help me finish this joke!

I have the first two parts:

1) The inventor of the Pringles crisp packaging was so proud of his invention that he was cremated and buried in a Pringles can.

2) The inventor of Doritos requested his family dust his grave with crumbled Doritos before burying his urn.

I need hel...

Excuse me, can you help me find the sperm bank?

Sure, it's the one with the sign that says, "Come inside."

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out

As my garden was portrait...

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I found a great medicine to help me sleep at night with a sunburn

Viagra.

It dosnt help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can some one help me write my girlfriend a love letter?

Is buttcheek one word or are they spread apart?

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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