I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I was told a joke that would help me get laid.

I still don't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey! Big party at my house! Come on over and help me celebrate making my final mortgage payment!

I still owe them like $210,000 ... but fuck it, I'm done paying.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it's a lost cos.

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD.

I never finished it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a politician on a date, and later that night if she could help me better understand trickle down economics.

She asked me if I was wealthy, to which I said no, and so she pissed on me

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you help me with my sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a stewardess if she wanted to help me join the mile high club...

She informed me she didn't give a flying fuck.

Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you.

Can someone help me with my vegetable soup?

I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

Help me please, I think I'm addicted to water

I feel like I can't even live without it

they help me sleep better

An old lady goes to a pharmacists and orders contraception pills.
"Why do you need them, in your age?" asks the pharmacist.
"They help me sleep better," replies the old woman.
"How is that possible?" asks the pharmacist.
"I put them in my granddaughter's drink and then I sleep be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

Falling to the ground, my wife cried out, "Help me honey! I think I've really hurt my knee!" I ran towards her and shouted…

"Are Eenie, Meenie and Mo ok!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help me....

She said "Whose dick are you going to suck at this time of night?"

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”

The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.

"I see the Sun," answer the man.

The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help me.

But I stand corrected.

My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.

So I got her some diet pills.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says you gotta help me I think I'm a dog

The psychiatrist says that's very interesting why don't you lay down on the couch. The guy says I'm not allowed on the couch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a great medicine to help me sleep at night with a sunburn

Viagra.

It dosnt help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

My car wouldn't start so I called my favorite middle eastern company to help me

Camel Tow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

Can someone help me with a decision?

Are we buying school supplies come August or more alcohol and weed?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

Help me on my homework? Gives me 404

Hi so I have a homework and it says to solve 20 X 20.2. does someone know the answer? Whenever I type it on my calculator it gives me "404"
Help?!?!!!???

I asked my Spanish neighbor to help me fix my tv.

It was a very expensive tv and I told him that I had been meaning to sell it for a while, and would sell it once I got it fixed. He looked confused.

“por que?”

“No, it’s only HD”

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out

As my garden was portrait...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it.

Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, you gotta help me! I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"

"You're supposed to take the stickers off the banana, lady."

Can you help me with my wife's bra fitting?

Sam goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says, "Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a...

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prayed to God to help me stop masturbating.

And now I’m never allowed back at that church.

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

A space bar walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says "You gotta help me, Doc!"

The doctor replies, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I constantly feel depressed."

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

Asked the librarian for a book on suicide and she said she couldn’t help me.....

....because i wouldn’t return the book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can some one help me write my girlfriend a love letter?

Is buttcheek one word or are they spread apart?

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help me

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

"You have to help me," the atom says, "I've lost one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" it's asked

"Yes — I'm positive!"

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

Please help me understand this math joke

If our bodies are 75% water, what is the other 50% made of.

Barron Trump: "Dad, can you help me with my economics homework?"

Donald: "no, son. It wouldn't be right."

Barron: "I know, but will you try it anyway?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My personal trainer told me to eat all of my meals naked in front of a mirror to help me eat less.

It didn't do anything for me, but boy were the other people in the restaurant pissed off.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

[Help] please help me find reasonably clean jokes to tell at a wedding. Greatly appreciated.

I am going to be the master of ceremonies and would greatly appreciate two or three clean jokes to break the ice. Thank you very much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"



The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"



I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do y...

A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."

The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

- Could you help me choose the tie, please?

\- Of course, sir. I would recommend one of these. This model can sustain the weight of a full-grown man.

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

"Doctor, help me. I've been sleeping like a log."

Doctor: "So how is that a problem?"

Patient: "I keep waking up in the fireplace."

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

I downloaded an app that I thought would help me find great sandwiches...

Turns out that's not what Grinder is for. I still got a footlong, though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A limbless woman sits in a wheelchair on a boardwalk with a sign around her neck that says "Ask how you can help me"

She sits there patiently as people stare as they walk by and it takes a good 30 minutes before a man walks up and asks "how can I help you?". She says to the man "I've never been hugged before, will you hug me?" With a smile on his face, the man gives her an amazing hug and continues on his way. ...

I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for "pamphlet."

"Ya bro sure!"

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

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