UPJOKE

Happily Married Jokes

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

Happily Married

There is a couple who have been married for 30 years. Every Friday for dinner the husband would come home from work and the wife would serve him a huge bowl of chilli. One friday, the husband comes home with a colleague so the wife serves up two bowls. When the wife gets up to go to the kitchen, the...

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I'm actually very happily married!

my wife isn't but she can fuck the right off

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

I've been happily married for one year

...out of a total of 5.

It's 2020 and I’ve been happily married for five years

Not too shabby as I got married 16 years ago

A guy and his blonde wife were happily married.

Until one day when he came home earlier from work and found her lovers car in front of his house.

Knowing what to do he storms into the house and heads to the bedroom.

When he gets to the bedroom he opens the closet and says:

"How many times do I have to say that he's supposed t...

My wife and i have been happily married for two years

2012 and 2017

My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years.

And today happens to be our 10th Anniversary!

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

I told my wife that I couldn't imagine myself happily married with anyone else.

No matter how hard I tried.

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A happily married couple was celebrating 60 years of marriage together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," sa...

So this newly wed girl asks me how I've managed to be happily married for 30 years...

And I tell her the 25 years have been tough, but the last 5 have been amazing.

"Why" she asks.

"Because for the longest time my wife has been begging me to take her to Paris for our 25th anniversary, so when it came time I took her to Paris, smartest decision I've made, we've been happ...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not ...

I have not met a single person...

Who is happily married.

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Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman ...

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee..

...at a convention.

''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."

''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."

''I am also happily mar...

Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to h...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says "single?" And the guy replies,

"No—happily married, but curious.”

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to con...

A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."...

I once dated a russian girl and told her she was "blyatiful"

We are happily married now with 2 tanks and a tzar bomb.

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

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Three guys go to heaven

St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’
1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never c...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

An Arctic explorer gets frostbite

And looses the toes off both feet whilst on an expedition.

After he returns home he starts having relationship problems with his wife. He can't understand it as they had been happily married for years before his injuries.

She behaves really unreasonably and won't put up with anything t...

A man walks into the confessional...

He says, "Father, I've been happily married for 30 years, but last night I met two 20 year-old co-eds, and they took me to their place where we had a wild night."

"I see," said the priest. "How long has it been since your last confession?"

"Never," said the man.

"Never?!" asked...

A man walked into a bar, and saw a guy at the end of the bar with a giant orange head...

He asked the bar tender “what’s the deal with the guy with the giant orange head?” The bar tender said “you should probably just ask him about his giant orange head.”

So the guy bought two beers, brought one over and slammed it in front of the other guy. He said “I bought you a beer, but firs...

A priest was finishing up Sunday service

He was just saying farewell to the last of the parishioners and was about to close the doors when a man burst in. "I'm so sorry father! Please forgive my intrusion, but I must confess!"

The priest sighs, "Very well my son, we won't worry about going into the confessional booth, just take a se...

Some interesting Oxymorons :)

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

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Deaf communication

A happily married deaf couple one night realized that at night after the lights went out they had no way if communicating their sexual intent to one another. They agree to set a physical contact language they could use in the darkness. The wife says to her beloved "If you want some booty when its...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

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THAT's how you do it!

So there's a couple that have been happily married for 30 years, except for one thing: the woman has never had an orgasm. So they visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor listens to their tale of woe, and says to the husband, "Here's what you do. Go to the gym and find a strapping young man....

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both hav...

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A man rushes to the hospital as he finds out his wife who is in a coma is pregnant

The man storms in the door to his wife's room at the hospital after getting the call from the doctor. The doctor is there with a police officer. "Well, well, well... just couldn't wait until she woke up could you? You sick fuck" the police officer says as he pulls out the handcuffs. "The hell are yo...

touching story

Once there was a happily married couple with a baby on the way. One morning the wife's water broke and they rushed off to the hospital. While there the doctors told them there was a new machine that was developed which telepathically transfers a certain percentage of pain to the father if they agre...

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[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.

Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.

"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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I respect my wife

One day, a man interviews a 90 year old couple who have been married for 70 years. During the entire interview, the man is always constantly respectful of his wife. He does whatever she says without a hint of complaint. The reporter asks, "How is it possible you are still happily married after so lo...

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An old Jewish man goes to his rabbi.

He says "Rabbi, I need your advice. My wife Sadie and I have been very happily married for 45 years. But as you know, I'm not quite as young as I used to be and lately I just can't get her to orgasm when we make love. I feel I am failing in my duties in marriage as man."

The rabbi thinks for ...

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Three Horny Women at a Bar (Long and Dirty)

Three horny women were sitting at a bar. It was closing time and the bartender was trying to close up shop. He tells the women to leave but the first replies.
"We're all very horny! But we don't have any boyfriends to go home to, can you help us out?"
The happily married bartender explains t...

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Two irish men are sitting at a bar.

A man in a suit walks in and sits down near them. So Patrick says to his friend "Look at that guy in his suit, he must have an important job". So he gets up and walks over to the smart dressed man. "Hello, I couldn't help but notice how smart you're dressed, you must have an important job". "Why yes...

Loooong, but maybe worth it.

A woman is pregnant in her teens...finally gives birth to two healthy twin boys. She’s young, and destitute, and knows she can’t take care of them or provide for them, and after a bit of soul searching she makes the heartbreaking decision to give the two boys up for adoption. Over the years she kept...

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