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So, Gwyneth Paltrow is making vagina scented candles now...

Presumably because since Chris Martin left, she misses the smell of a cunt around the house?

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

The Scent of a Man

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After a few minutes he looks over to her and says, “ I hope you don’t mind me saying this but you smell great. What have you got on?” She smiles at him and says, “I’ve got on Chanel number five... thanks for noticing.” He smiles a...

What is the most calming scent?

Chloroform

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

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I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle....

but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

I have a joke about perfume...

...but it doesn't make any scents.

I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?

He had no common scents

I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps.

*wait...stupid autocorrect...*

*scents *porpoise *corpse

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

Axe should make a deodorant called "English."

Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

What do you call a rapper with flatulence?

50 scents.

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

Love in the time of Coronavirus

I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."

She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."

They say dogs can detect cancer by scent..

Wondering if CAT scan too..

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My balls are just like scented stickers

All i do is scratch and sniff

What do you call a scent that wanders?

An a-roam-a.

A rich man needs to choose a wife out of three women

He gives them each $10 and tell them to buy something that can fill the room.
The next day, the first girl said she brought bottles of water, the cheapest thing she can find but still cannot fill the room.
The second girl brought a perfume, and fill the room with scent.
The third girl brou...

THE SCENT OF AN OLD WOMAN.....

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches...

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus.

But that's just my two scents.

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A lot of people say “Put your money where your mouth is”.

What if I want to put my mouth where my money is; between strawberry scented stripper tits.

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

What do you do to backwards scented muffins?

sniffum

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles...

It made no scents

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

What does a hillbilly say when they recognize a place by scent?

I nose this place

Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got...

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

An old man is at home on his deathbed...

The doctors have given him only a couple of days to live and he no longer has even the strength to stand on his own. He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drif...

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This is the story of 5 cents.

Take five pennies...lay them out in a row. As you tell the joke slide one into a different row.

You smell anything? There's a scent.
You see any fruit? There's a pear.
You see any cars? There's 3 Lincolns.
You see any snakes? There's 4 copper heads.
You see any pussy? Not for 5 ce...

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

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It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents

like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.

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He just stares

A young, fit looking Woman, is walking past a Pet Shop where she notices a Sign in the window :-

"Good home needed for Clitoris-Licking Frog."

The woman goes inside and says to the Shopkeeper,

"I noticed you have a Clitoris-Licking Frog? I'll take one."

He packages up a F...

I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell.

I just love Foreign Axe Scents


**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.

I bought some rose-scented shampoo the other day..

..it smells better than real poo.

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

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The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because...

it didn't make scents.

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

Invest on perfume businesses

It just makes scents

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

Have you heard about the perfume that smells of nothing?

I think it's total non-scents.

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

What is a millennial’s favourite fragrance?

Scents of entitlement.

A lady walks into a perfumery and asks for the perfumer for his finest fragrance.

"Doobie woobie blue bop", says the perfumer.

Confused she looks around and notices that all of the bottles on the shelves are empty. "Do you keep them in the back?" she asks

"Flim flam flibidy blam", says the perfumer.

The lady sniffs the air, then looks at him strangely and as...

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

I tried to create a business that makes talking candles

It didn't make any dollars or scents.

I want to open a perfume store...

I'd call it: "Common Scents."

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

two men were walking thier dogs...

Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungr...

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.



A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the...

What do you need to choose a good air freshener?

common scents

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

Little Tommy goes to his mom...

Little Tommy goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk?”

His mom replies, “Not now, Tommy. She’s in heat.”

“What’s heat?” he asks.

“Your dad’s in the garage. Go ask him.”

Tommy finds his dad in the garage. He says, “Dad, I wanna take Daisy for a walk b...

My mother has an unhealthy fear of noodles.

It all started 5 years ago. I came home to find my mother covered in blood and in shock at the discovery of my father. He had been stabbed multiple times in a garish display akin only to the Manson and Zodiac killings. The police report determined the suspect was between 8-16 inches, slightly boiled...

An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolat...

The smell of rain

Every loves the smell of rain. So fresh, so clean. But in actuality you can’t actually smell rain. What you smell is the world around you.

Way back in the day humans used to have to actually hunt their food. So if you were chasing down a deer and it started to rain you could easily lose the ...

You could say the smell of a new Apple product is...

Scent from my iPhone

My husband was quite distraught and incoherent after losing his job at the cologne factory.

I don't know how to reply; he just isn't making scents anymore.

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

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