Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

What do you say to grasslands that have run out of nutrients and can no longer support grazing livestock like they used to?

You're pasture prime.

There’s a cow and her three calves grazing in a pasture...

...The first calf asks her ma, “Why am I named Daisy?” The cow smiles and says, “Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head.” The second calf says “Oh, oh! Why am I named Rose?” The cow replies, “Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.” The third cow trots over and says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A llama was grazing in a field one day... (long)

... when another llama came over.

"Hello," said the first llama.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the second llama.

"Oh, you know, eating some grass. Care to join me?" replied the first llama.

"Oh, thank you," said the second. So now there were two llamas eating. Along came a third...

Did you hear about the cow that was shot for grazing in the marijuana patch?

The steaks have never been higher.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field...

It once happened, on a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull.

Then the pheasant looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time...

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.

"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

"Dog don't talk, but whatever...

A Pennsylvania cop gets a call...

A Pennsylvania cop gets called to a hit & run by a passing motorist. He arrives on the scene to find a turned over Amish buggy, an unconscious man, and the horse loose & grazing on the side of the road. He calls an ambulance for the man and begins writing the accident report. Out of frustrat...

Cow jokes, if you're in the mooOoood....

What do you call a cow with two short legs?


Lean beef.



What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.



Why did the cow get an award?

It was out standing in the field.



What do you call a cow after an abortion?
Decalfeinat...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blind pilots

Passengers of a 747 begin settling in for their scheduled takeoff when two men in pilot uniforms stumble into the plane, one with a seeing eye dog and the other with a walking stick. The passengers think it's some sort of joke and think nothing of it, but the men carefully and methodically make the...

After a terrible storm, a man and his sheepdog are stranded on a large desert island.

They manage to set up camp and survive. The man searches the island every day, but never finds any other people.

One day, as the man and his dog are walking, they find a small flock of sheep grazing.

Looking at the sheep, the man gets an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy wh...

Man goes to the ER badly beaten ......

with a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor says “what the hell happened to you?” The guys says well I was you golfing with my wife. When she drove the golf ball out of sight over a hill. When we came over the hill there was a cow grazing slowly but no golf ball. We looked everywhere for it...

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

Student and Teacher conversations

Teacher: John, give me a sentence starting with " I ".
John: I is...
Teacher: No, John. Always say, "I am."
John: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
John: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
John: Mayb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that you put it that way...

A christian missionary spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.

Outraged the chief confronts the missionary. Being the only white person his daughter had ever ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small flock of sheep walks into an Scottish bar

The bartender, immediately upset by the commotion, tells them they have to leave.

A brave sheep stands up to the bartender and says "Sheep or not, I'm a true Scotsman. I know the history of our people all the way back to the beginning of time, and this place is my home."

The bartender ...

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.

The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young bull and an old bull are at the top of a hill.

There are hundreds of cows grazing below. The young bull says, "Let's run down there and fuck a cow!"

The old bull says, "No, let's walk down and fuck them all."


Yes, very old joke....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chum the sheep

There was this young man who had had enough of city life so he moves to the country and decides to run a sheep farm. He educated himself as much as he could on how to run a farm. He bought a farm, and buys a heard of sheep. Everything is going well, the sheep are properly housed and fed. The she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An aboriginal son asked his dad how they come up with names for their children.

The father replied.
"Well you see son, when your sister was born I looked out of the tipi and I saw a deer eating grass so I named her Grazing Deer. When your brother was born I looked out of the tipi and saw an eagle flying so I named him Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

So two scientists invent a machine that can travel to other dimensions...

After much calibrating and testing and preparing, the scientists hop aboard their creation and activate it. There is a blinding flash of blue light and in an instant the scientists are sitting in the middle of a grassy field. There is no sign of their lab...or really anything familiar at all.
<...

Five Little Piggies

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. As the farmers lived 60 miles fro...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

The tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them i...

King ordered his Minister to find 5 idiots

A King of a Kingdom called his Prime Minister and asked, like there are Brilliant people in his State will there be Idiots available?.

Minister said there will be.

King then ordered his Minister to go around the State search and bring 5 of such Idiots and present to him in the Council...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.