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Fertilize Jokes

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai...

Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize

The first sperm says, “are we almost there? I don’t know how much longer I can do this!”

The second sperm responds, “keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!”

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I'm going to go fertilize my garden

I'll let you know when I'm done shitting my plants

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A dryad goes to a gardening store and gets herself a big bag of fertilizer

"Whatchu got there?"


"Cow manure. It's my favorite fertilizer," she says, dreamily.


"What!? Are you bullshitting me?"


"No! I'm bullshitting me!"

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How many roosters does it take to fertilize an egg?

A cock-er-two'll-do!

Just heard this for the first time. And while on acid I laughed for two hours at this joke so I had to post it here

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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I was so angry when I found out that one of my trucks carrying fertilizer went missing last night.

I lost my shit.

What do you call it when a salmon accidentally fertilizes his sisters eggs?

Roe Tide

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Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

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Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

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I used to sell fertilizer.

It was a bullshit job.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

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Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

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I heard a rumor about the fertilizer industry.

Apparently, it's a very shitty buisness.

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Every time I leave my house, someone steals all of my fertilizer.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

We need to get into the fertilizer industry...

I hear business is booming.

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So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

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Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive.

That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit

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A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.

There's only so much bullshit a guy can take.

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

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There was a farm nearby, so I went to get some fertilizer, I already got it but I decided to bring it back..

Because it just looked like shit

What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

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Thought I was lucky when my wife said she'd give me a blow job on my birthday

Didn't know that it came with mow, weed, fertilize, and rake jobs too.

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Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

Fertilizer.

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Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

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The grass is always greener on the other side,

that's just fertilized with bullshit.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

Best pickup line: How do you like your eggs in the morning...

Fertilized?

What’s the difference between a child and an omelette?

Only one is made with a fertilized egg

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

Did you know fences make good neighbors

And bad neighbors make good fertilizer.

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