Feeding Jokes

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

I was home in five. I love that dog too much to see harm come to him.

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b... read more

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few ... read more

I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."

"Your snake eats... Bread?"

"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

“Here comes the airplane!”

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou... read more

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak... read more

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his... read more

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ... read more

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall... read more

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to fa... read more

He was feeding them to the lions.

"Graze Anatomy"

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the ... read more

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

I read an article a few years ago about the Massachusetts highway department getting an increased number of complaints about dead crows by the highways.

The state consulted behavioural experts, and performed autopsies of some of the dead birds and determined that they were scavenging by the r... read more

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ... read more

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

10. He can open your blouse by himself; with one hand.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
<... read more

Because they shared his pain.

But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.