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Funerals Jokes

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person

Funerals… why do they call it “a wake?”

They’re dead. They should call it “asleep.”

It is always difficult for me to attend funerals

I suffer from a condition called mourning wood.

Did you know optometrists don't have funerals?

They have *viewings.*
.

[I am *way* too proud and tickled for coming up with this one.]

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

Funerals are like family reunions

minus one

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

Why do they play bagpipes at funerals?

Because no living person wants to hear them

Why do funerals always happen before noon?

It's the perfect time in the mourning

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

Go to other people's funerals

Otherwise they won't go to yours.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...

...except at funerals.

Funerals are always so sad

Maybe because they have a grave atmosphere




~~i am not sorry~~

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals

They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the funeral

She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the funeral she sees the wreath wi...

Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex like my open casket funerals

With an open casket

Discussing Funerals

Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"

The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided f...

Tom goes to a funeral

So one day, Tom, who is a villager, receives a letter from his good friend Harry who lives in the city. The letter says that Tom's father died while in the city and he should come for the funeral. Tom is heartbroken and shaken due to the news, but he has to go anyway.

He arrives at the funera...

I never attend the funerals of my friends...

Because they won’t be there at mine

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