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Relatives Jokes

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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What do rednecks affectionately call it when they are having sex with relatives?

Pumpkin

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

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Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

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Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

People would never sleep with their relatives

Unless they incest.

How do you call your passed away relatives?

My brother-in-lawn

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

People say wealth is relative

The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.



I have the scars to prove it!

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at t...

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My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

What do you say when you find your relatives attractive

No chromo

A forlorn jazz musician, lost relatives.

Two jazz musicians meet passing on the street one day. But one looks forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asks, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?"
The sad fellow says, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's n...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

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What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

What do you call a cannibal that eats relatives?

Munchkin.

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

None of my relatives are members of any organized political party.

They're all republicans.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

what did Einstein say when he attended the Alabama orgie?

"It's all relatives"

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

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