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Funeral Home Jokes

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

A man's wife dies young

The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!

40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbr...

Funeral home mishap

A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

I’m a funeral home director

People are always dying to get my attention

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

I want to make a funeral home in the forest

I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

We passed a funeral home today having a service at like 9pm...

...I always thought that they were more of a mourning thing.

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freddy turned up to his first day at the funeral home.

Freddy turned up to his first day at the funeral home. He was learning the ropes from Jimmy who had been working as a funeral director for the last 4 years. All was going well until they put the first coffin into the back of the hearse.

Jimmy said, "Freddy, ok. It's in the right spot. Now...

Horrible and funny, Funeral Home AS - Poland, authentic joke from their webpage

We are sorry that we did not speak, we are helping in Kiev to prepare 150,000 beds for Russian soldiers. Funeral Home AS, Bytom - Poland

Black suit, blue suit

A man dies and when he is taken to the funeral home, his widow is told they have a number of nice black suits to dress him in.

The widow tells the director that he always looked good in blue. Would it be possible to dress him in a blue suit?

The director says yes, but it will add to th...

A ghoul walks into a funeral home and asks...

Is your corpse tender here ?

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

Why don't funeral homes hold surprise competitions?

They're always a dead giveaway.

A funeral home owner has COVID and sneezes on everyone he sees.

Me: What the hell are you doing?!

Owner: Marketing

I work at a funeral home and just got my drinking buddies a job helping to clean the place up…

…Now I can crack open a cold one with the boys everyday

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

What do a funeral home and an OCD insomniac excel at doing?

Organizing a wake.

One great perk about working at a funeral home...

I always get to bring flowers home to my wife!


(Yes, I actually work at a mortuary. No, I don't do this)

This bar that was near my house turned into a funeral home awhile back.

The place isn’t as alive as it used to be, but they’ve still got some cold ones in the freezer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

I was walking around my neighborhood and I saw that the funeral home was completely packed.

I guess people were really dying to get in there.

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

What do funeral home workers and football defenders have in common?

They get yelled at if they let the wrong guy inside the box.

(OC)

I couldn't use my phone at the funeral home

it was a dead zone.

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.”

He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”

A rich old man died

His widow arrived at the funeral home to meet with the mortician. “Fortunately he was dressed in this fine black suit when he passed, perfect for his burial “ he said. “Yes” replied the widow “he does look good, but I’ve alway thought he looked best in blue”. From her purse she pulled a blank check ...

The visit to Jerusalem

Mr Goldman & his nagging wife of 30 years once went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Through out the plane ride, down to the taxi ride to the hotel she nagged him persistently.
While in bed , the nagging continued. The next day Mr Goldberg woke up to discover his wife had died peacefully in her...

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Joe the janitor reports for his first night of work at a funeral home.

One of his first tasks is to sweep and mop the embalming room floor while the embalmer is eating dinner. Joe is alone in the room, out of curiousness he looks under the sheet covering a corpse on the embalmers table. The body lays face down. With a giant cork protruding from the rectum. Joe taps on ...

A man goes to a funeral home to bury his dead wife.

One of the employees tells him "We can bury her here in Israel on a good plot of land for $500, or we can bury her in America, but it'll cost you $5000". The man says "Ok, let me go home and think about it". The next day when he comes back to the funeral home the employee asks him "so what have you ...

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Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the funeral home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"

The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."

"No problem", the funeral director says.

<...

I’m anti vaxx

I own a funeral home so it’s good for business

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The Replacement

Text Conversation:


Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's r...

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

PROMOTION

Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.
Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it.

Supreme Court

Hillary Clinton rang Donald Trump and said that a female Supreme Court Justice has just died and I would like to replace her,Trump replied that’s alright by me but I will have to ring the Funeral Home to make the arrangements

I need a punchline for this joke

I need a punchline for this question:

What's the difference between Starbucks and funeral home?

I was asked this question this weekend when I told someone to meet me at a Starbucks, and I was waiting at the funeral home down the street, but I feel like there has gotta be a great punch...

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My brothers and I were carrying my dad's casket...

My dad recently passed away due to pneumonia. Naturally, my brothers and I were paul bearers at his funeral. The funeral home was up on a hill with a busy road leading down into the valley. As we were carrying his casket out of the hearse, it slipped out of our hands and begin to tumble downhill. We...

Funeral director joke

A man died one day and his wife went to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral home director asked her if there's anything she thinks her husband would have wished for his funeral.

"Actually there is something", she said. "We've always had this plan that one day we'l...

So I work for gutter installation company...

And we recently had a job the required us to roll out 90ft+ pieces at a time. We decided to use the parking lot of the neighboring funeral home for convenience.

As we're working in the lot, the funeral home director comes out and asks us what's going on.

"Sorry sir, were almost done w...

Two brothers are discussing the details of their father's funeral

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.

The dim brother insists that he won't. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: "Just make sure dad looks nice for the servi...

A man's father died but couldn't make to his father's funeral...

But the man wanted to give his father the best funeral possible.

After the funeral he gets the bill about a month later totalling $16,000. He pays the bills immediately and goes on his way.

Untill about a month later he gets another bill for $85. He just shrugs it off and pays it thi...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

You might be a necropheliac if...

Shout out to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration. Here we go.

You might be a necropheliac if...

Your version of tinder is the local obituaries.

You have detailed knowledge of the security setup of every funeral home and cemetery in your city.

The contents of your trunk i...

A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...

and he was unable attend the funeral. But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the funeral home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all th...

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

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The funeral director...

Schwartz dies and is brought to the local funeral home to be laid out.
The funeral director carts him in and begins to undress the body, but when he pulls off the man's pants- he can't believe what he sees! Mr. Schwartz has easily got the largest penis he's ever seen. I mean- HUGE!
"I can't ...

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

I am finally going to be rich someday...

I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.

'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

Saw an interview in the paper yesterday

This women had just turned 85 years old and my local paper had an interview with her, and they learned she was married four times. So the interviewer says, "Would you mind saying telling us about your husbands?" and she smiles and says, "Sure. When I was in my twenties, I married a banker. It was gr...

Joke my grandfather told me

There was this elderly couple, and the wife had always wanted to visit Israel. Eventually the husband got tired of her nagging him about it and decided to take the trip.

During the trip, however, she dies.

A kind Israeli funeral home owner offers to bury the man's wife for 150$. The...

Man with Alzheimers tries to sell family a coffin

Man asks the son first : "I can tell you're a man of a refined taste. I'll sell you a coffin for 20% less".

Son anwsers : "I'm in mid 20's,i don't need it"

(Man realizes his mistake in asking the youngest, he changes strategies and asks about the oldest person in the family)

Man...

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Husband passes away with an erection....

A man passes away while making love to his wife. While at the funeral home, the staff has a problem hiding this. They call his wife and explain the situation. She suggests tying it to his leg. They tell her that they tried this, but his leg lifted up. She suggests tying it to his belly. They tried t...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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