Rite Jokes - 42 Hilarious Rite Jokes

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I went to Rite Aid today for my Covid booster.

After remembering how bad the 2nd shot made my arm hurt I asked if he could put it in my butt. He says "Yeah, but first I'm gonna give you the booster shot."

The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!"...

A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They...

A man was on his deathbed when his wife called the local priest to administer the last rites.

When the priest came, he started giving the man a sermon about the 'washing away of our sins. The priest man then told the dying man to denounce Satan. "Let the Devil know, that you hate him and his evil ways," the priest said.

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order to the ...

Yo mama so stupid she went to Shop Rite

And shopped wrong

Did you hear about the priest who got arrested?

He had the rite to remain silent

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10 men are about to become priests

10 men went to learn the way of priesthood. They have passed all tests and are going to go through the rite or ordination.

But before, they must pass a last test is to see if they are truly ready to serve the Lord.

All 10 are made to sit in line, naked, with a small bell tied to their ...

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you...

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together.

The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism.

The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off th...

What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite.

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

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Once upon a midnight dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,

While I pron surfed,

Weak and weary,

Over many strange and spurious of ‘hot xxx galore’

While I clicked my fav’rite site,

Suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with a mourning,

Mourning for my dear amo...

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Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start

and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fa...

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My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns...

Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow.

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

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I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

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A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.

"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

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Good advice?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd st...

English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Yeah you red it rite.

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

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I was offered sex today...

...with a 75 year old sugar momma. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanill...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

My deity ignored my prayers today.

The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles.

I guess two wrongs don't make a rite.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.

As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the s...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

The guy is in the hospital on the verge of death,

full of tubes to keep him alive as long as possible. The family calls the priest to give him the final rites. When the priest sits at the head of the dying man, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly, and he frantically gestures for something to write. The priest gives him a pad and a pen, and t...

I see your multilevel meta joke and raise you a two-tiered joke.

Quasimodo was in the steeple of Notre Dame looking down on the town when he noticed a man running to the ladder of the steeple. There was something odd about the man, but from a distance, Quasimodo couldn't distinguish what it was. The man climbed the ladder, and it was evident - he had no arms. ...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...

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Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.

The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditc...

An ancient Chinese story

Long ago in ancient China, the Wong brothers ruled 2 kingdoms, side by side. Life was well, until a neighboring kingdom decided to invade both the brother's domains. Citizens were killed and villages were burned to the ground.

Desperate, the brothers turned to magic. Meeting up, they devised...

A guy gets knocked down in the street

A regular looking guy gets knocked down in the street in New York. A crowd gathers round him and a catholic priest pushes though. He has no idea if the guy is catholic or not but he sees that the guy is in a bad way and decides to give him the last rites anyway. The priest kneels down beside the guy...

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road

The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down...

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3 men go to the red light district...

An 18 year old boy, his father and his grandfather decide to have a men's night to celebrate the boy's 18th birthday.
After quite some drinks the grandfather boasts: "When I became your age I was taken to the hookers and made a real man!"
They agree that that would be a suitable way to end the...

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