UPJOKE
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Sudden Jokes

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms suddenly

There would be mass confusion.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

My grief counselor suddenly died.

Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor replied “Don’t worry, Those are just contractions.”

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

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A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl...

He never slept on the train with his mouth open again...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

What do you call it when a guy is going down on a girl and suddenly stops?

McConnellingus.

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

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I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?

Me: *screams*

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: *screaming intesifies*

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

A guy suddenly hears a knock on his door at 2 in the morning.

Dragging himself out of bed, he goes to answer it. There in the doorway is a man and he asks, “sorry to bother you, can you give me a push?”
The guy tell him to scram and goes back to bed. After a mini, he remembers when he ran out of gas once and decides to help the poor fellow.
He gets back...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

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A doctor is walking through a hospital and suddenly sees one of the nurses.

Her hair is in disarray, her uniform is open, the bra is pushed up, her breasts are in plain view...

\- Excuse me, Ms. Arrington, what is this dress code? Put your clothes on properly.

The nurse looks down, sees the state of her clothes, blushes a deep red:

\- Ah, Doctor, you kn...

“Why the sudden terrified expression?”

“I just realized I left my girlfriend hanging last night, she’s gonna kill me.”

“She’s that irate over a text message?”

“No, she’s a ropebunny.”

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A meeting in Stalin's office during wartime. Suddenly, the phone rings.

Stalin takes it:

\- This is Comrade Stalin.

(Pause)

\- Ah, hello, Comrade Churchill.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- Yes.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)
<...

A plane suddenly loses one of its engines

“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost one of our engines so we’ll be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination,” announces the Captain.

“Oh no!” Says a passenger. Then suddenly, another engine fails.
“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost another...

I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

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Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this online it's called buffering

I suddenly forgot where the sun went at night...

...then it dawned on me.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

If the USSR suddenly came back together...

... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

A man was walking his kid home from the park when the kid suddenly noticed two dogs humping...

"dad,"the kid asks."what are those two dogs doing over there?"his dad thinks real quick,"well son, isn't it obvious. That one dog obviously broke his leg and the other one is helping him home."the kid fires back,"wouldn't you know it Dad. You go to help a friend out like that and all he does is f***...

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

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mort dies suddenly is his sleep.

Mort died suddenly in his sleep.
Beryl, his wife of 55 years phones the local paper to put her loving husbands passing in the obituary.

"Ok my love," says the guy from the paper, "it's a pound a word. What do you want it to say?"

There's a silence for a moment before beryl says, ...

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and suddenly hears “Don’t Stop Believing” playing.

It ..was an unexpected Journey.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

Girls hate it when I suddenly send them photographs of parasites

Turns out, no one wants unsolicited tick pics

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A guy was sitting on a park bench when he suddenly produced a loud long fart. When he got up there was a pile of coins.

It was the wind of change.

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried


"it's a trap!"




"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked



"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street

They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'

The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

The sudden urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

Two atoms were walking down the street and one suddenly stops and says, “Oh no, I think I lost an electron!”

The other atom asks, “are you positive?”

There's a penguin driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down...

Spying a service station, he quickly pulls over and gets out to speak with the mechanic. The man agrees to fix the car, but tells the penguin to wait for an hour or so while he works. To pass the time, the penguin walk next door to a little ice cream shop and has a big ol' vanilla sundae while he ...

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is d...

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

Sudden end of a longtime friendship

**Sudden end of a longtime friendship**
*a short story*

Monica was breastfeeding her son
while her best friend Soniya sat nearby...

Monica asked - 'Does my son resemble me or his father?'

Soniya - 'He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father!'

**The End*...

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with ...

I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...

"Does anyone know CPR!?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

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A man is driving his car along a country road when suddenly, it breaks down

He pulls over to the side of the road, pops the bonnet, and starts investigating the problem.

A horse in the field next to him trots over to the fence, looks the car over up and says " your spark plugs are gone, buddy"

The man, thinking he's lost the plot, shakes his head and proceeds ...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

A sudden ruckus from the chicken coop wakes the old farmer and his wife.

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,...

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

My friend decided to quit almost all social media, but suddenly got addicted to the latest one by Meta.

He is hanging on…by a Thread.

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

At the restaurant, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us.”

Me: Why?

Her: For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

My wife suddenly started wearing a chastity belt for reasons unknown

I can't quite put my finger in it

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A man sitting in a bar suddenly shouted

“All lawyers are assholes!”
Another man jumped off his stool. “Those are fighting words!”
“Oh, so you’re a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

Why is everyone talking about the Baader-Meinhof effect all of a sudden?

I just heard about it, and know I see it everywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the ladder suddenly become popular in porn movies?

Because it was a step ladder

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was burie...

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.

*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

You're sitting at home when all of a sudden

There's a knock at the door.

You open the door.

It's a bathroom sink...

Let that sink in..

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

Why is everyone suddenly so busy?

Like, whenever I'm free, my best friend and my wife's busy. Whenever I'm busy they are suddenly free. What's the deal?

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

Two men are walking when one suddenly stumbles.

Man 2: That was a nasty fall, are you alright?

Man 1: Oh no, I'm just looking for something I lost.

Man 2: What did you lose?

Man 1: My balance.

I was looking at the mirror and suddenly I started crying

You could say that I was reflecting on my life.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing in front of them.

.The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’


‘I don’t need to outrun th...

A cruel and spiteful restauranteur whose restaurants only served Pepsi products, died suddenly, and was shocked to find himself in heaven

As he approached the pearly gates, St Peter cheerily asked, “Would hell be OK instead?”

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend at the bar, but the lights suddenly went out.

So I took a shot in the dark.

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

Joseph Stalin is being chauffeured to a meeting when he is struck by a sudden urge.

He taps on the glass partition to get the attention of his driver.

"Driver, I should like to take the wheel for some time. I have not driven in a long while."

"Sure, boss!" says the driver, and they switch places.



Well, Stalin is a devil behind the wheel. He gets to 6...

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

I was bicycling through a city in France when suddenly my wheel fell off

It was too loose.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.

His wife is taking it really hard.

Got stoned once when I had a sudden realization:

I shouldn't have broken the law in Saudi Arabia!

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Guys Appear at the Gates of Heaven suddenly!

St Peter is Surprised and asked the first guy how he got here. " I had come home from a horrible day at work only to find my wife in bed naked and cheating on me with another man. However I searched everywhere and I got so angry I picked up the fridge, chucked it out the window and then had a heart ...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having sex with his wife and stops suddenly...

A man was having sex with his wife and stops suddenly, then continues again after a minute or so. He did this a few times.

His wife getting frustrated asked him what was he doing. He replied, you silly you don't know anything, I have seen this in porn. Its called buffering...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy rides hies horse in the forest and all of a sudden a small dwarf jumps at the road

the person almost killing the dwarf stops hies horse
go down and tell him "are you mental ?! i could have killed you!"
the dwarf replies "oh thanks for not killing me, im actually a magical dwarf and for saving my life ill grant you three wishes"
the rider thinks for a second a says sure.....

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...

Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car crash occurred missing the man by a few inches.

The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.



Then jus...

I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter

I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"

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