Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

How did the roller coaster parks decide on the acceptable height for children to ride?

Experience.

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I used to think doing "the helicopter" in public was socially acceptable

But apparently, it's considered a dick move

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

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I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?

Halal Cool J

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so ...

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People told me fucking 3rd cousins is acceptable.

One more to go :D

What's the Islamist term for acceptable internet humor?

Ha-lol.

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife...

What's the only acceptable filetype at The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning?

.docx

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

Golf

The only time it’s acceptable for a man to hold an iron.

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An English police officer, a Canadian police officer, and an American police officer see a black man walking with a machete...

The English police officer thinks to himself: "hmm, could this man be carrying a machete as a religious or cultural tradition, would it be acceptable to apprehend him or would I be considered racist, maybe..." *stab*

The Canadian officer yells to the man: "Sir, drop the weapon" no response "S...

Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

How does a shepherd find a sheep on a mountain top?

Acceptable

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Why do asian women have small boobs?

Because only A is acceptable.

I failed my physics exam today.

They asked me to give examples of superconductors. Apparently 'The French Resistance' was not an acceptable answer.

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A kid hears a word on a playground...

And doesn't know what it means. He goes up to his teacher and says "Miss, I heard this word but I'm not sure what it means."

"Well, what was the word?" She asks.

"Raspberry."

The teacher is shocked that the student would say such a thing. "That kind of language is not acceptable...

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

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How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

I got fired from my job as a teacher for sending a student to the office for being tardy

Apparently, it's not acceptable behavior for a special ed teacher

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associa...

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

A boy was outside trying to sell his lawnmower...

... a preacher rides along in this bike and sees the kid selling the lawnmower. He decides to ask the boys how much he wants for it.

"Well sir, what I really want is a new bike", says the boy.

The preacher thinks on it and asks him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the ...

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

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"If It Flies, Floats, or Fucks:

**It's cheaper to rent!"**

So I guess it's not really a *joke* as much as it is a saying, but I found it really funny. I was at a BBQ joint, and the owner was arguing with his wife, then came over and said this to a group of us. Hope you guys find it funny and it's acceptable for r/Jokes!

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Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator...

I got kicked out of a retirement home today

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

Wedding RSVP

Apparently it's not acceptable to RSVP a wedding invitation with 'sorry, maybe next time'.

My girl asked me what I thought about babies

Apparently "depends on how they're cooked" was not any acceptable answer

TIL I can be fired for taking blood thinners like my doctor recommended

I also learned whiskey is not an acceptable generic substitute.

(accidentally also posted this in r/funny)

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'Last in,first out'

Acceptable at work,fucking embarrassing at a gang-bang.

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

I recently Learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term 'School photos' is more acceptable.

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar ...

Politically correct chat up line

20th century man in a bar - "hey gorgeous can I buy you a drink?"

21st century man in a bar - "I consider you aesthetically pleasing and on that basis request permission to purchase for you a beverage. If this is acceptable to you, please read this contract and in the boxes provided list you...

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved ...

George's son

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There ...

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So Johnny caught a fish

He caught it down by the pond, and it was a really big one. Johnny, a country boy, was playing hooky from the local Catholic school.

He was carrying his big fish down the road - and who does he run into but Sister Mary, one of the nuns in the parish.

She says "Johnny! Skipping school ...

The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....

My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them o...

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

There was once a skeleton who enjoyed comedy...

Jokes and humorous anecdotes were his life. He watched every big comedian on TV, devoted many hours after work to finding new comedy clubs with new comedians. There was nothing else to his life but comedy.

One day, the skeleton is going through the back alley to a small, unknown comedy club, ...

I received my tax return for 2016 back from the IRS

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 53...

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?

Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

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There was a man in Ukraine who operated a train for a living.

He showed up to work one day extremely drunk and starting hitting people on the tracks, killing a few before he was caught and arrested. State law deemed that death via the electric chair was an acceptable punishment for his deeds.


The day he was put to death, they asked him for any last ...

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