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Fired Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

I was fired from my job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory

My boss didn't like me giving each Elmo two test tickles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

I got fired from the top secret Heinz factory the other day...

I spilled the beans.

I had a job at the cemetery, but I got fired...

Apparently, my grave mistakes were dead giveaways.

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Yesterday my manager said, "I'm off tomorrow, but if I come back and find that you've made one more mistake then you'll be fired."

So today, to save myself, I've made plenty of mistakes.

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

I used to be an executioner at the gallows but I got fired

I could never get the hang of it

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

Oh snap.

I got fired from the catapult factory...

...because I'd been firing people from the catapult factory.

I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

Special education just wasn't for me.

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

He kept listing the cause of death as birth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend got fired from his job at the pickle factory after he got caught with his penis in the pickle slicer.

As for the pickle slicer, she got fired, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

You're fired!

A company hired a new CEO. This boss wanted to get rid all of the slackers.

One day, he saw a young man against the wall. He wanted to prove himself that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the man and asked, "How much do you make a week?"

The man replied"$200 a week. Why?"
<...

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can’t even

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

Why was Alan Turing fired from the department store?

He was unable to compute whether or not any given top was a halter top.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

I have this bad feeling that I’m about to be fired from my graffiti removal job.

The writing is on the wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent.

Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

They fired that butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

They said he was getting a little behind in his work.

Why did the calendar maker get fired from his job?

He took a day off

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

I got fired from PC World today.

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.


“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

What does a candle do when it gets fired?

It has a meltdown

Why was blonde eventually fired from the M&M factory?…

She was throwing out all the W’s

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

I got fired from my job as a math teacher

I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

I just got fired for trying to be flexible at work.

My manager asked me to give him a sec so I told him, "I'll give you all the secs you need."

Maegan Hall was sad that she needs to find a new job as she was fired from the police department

I suggested her to try being a truck driver as they pay by the load!!

What did the bullet do after getting fired?

It went ballistic.

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

Why was the executioner fired?

He didn't make the cut.

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!

Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

What did they call Bob the mailman after he was fired?

Bob.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

The Hitman gets fired!

A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!

He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!

Do you hear about the clown that got fired on his first day at the circus?

He’s suing for fun fair dismissal

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

I was fired after falling asleep.

Being diagnosed with narcolepsy ended my career as a skydiving instructor.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

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