UPJOKE
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I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

Today I unfortunately got fired from my job at the bank

An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

Why did the hitman get fired?

He was a-sassin his boss.

I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

I was fired after falling asleep.

Being diagnosed with narcolepsy ended my career as a skydiving instructor.

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Amber Heard just fired her interior decorator...

They disagreed about the color and placement of the stool in the bedroom.

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A man goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.....

Wife is surprised because the man was employee of the month for 10 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more surprised afte...

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I got fired for not embracing diversity enough

Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

How did a calendar factory worker get fired?

He took a day off

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

Why did the architect get fired for his library design?

Because It only had one Story.

My friend got fired from his job at the orange juice factory

He couldn’t concentrate

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

Why did Pinocchio and Cinderella get fired from Disney?

Cinderella was caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face yelling “lie to me!”

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Got fired on the first day as a waiter.

Turns out the customer wasn't asking for pee soup.

Oh No! Snape has been fired from Hogwarts!

They didn't even give him a Severus package.

Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Why did the blonde get fired from an M&M factory?

She kept throwing out the Ws.

I got fired from the candle factory

Told them I didn’t want to work wick ends

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

I was fired from a bakery...

Their packaging says their products are "made with love" and they said I was only making them with "like."

I recently came across a big sum of money.

That´s the reason I got fired from the Bank.

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

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Why did the employee at the lightbulb factory get fired?

He told his supervisor to lighten the fuck up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently the hospital has “very strict rules” around what we are allowed to do with COVID patients in the ICU.

I Got Fired From My Last Job

\- Why?

\- I Opened A Window.

\- Just Because Of That? Where Did You Work?

\- ...The Submarine

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My coworker once wiggled his penis in front of me.

He wasn't fired, but it was a bit of a dick move.

Why did the DJ get fired from the chemistry lab?

They kept dropping the base.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got fired from a clock factory.

and after all those extra hours I put in...

And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were PISSED!!!

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

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Did you hear about the man that was fired from the asylum for sleeping with the patients?

He was fucking crazy

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

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Premature Ejaculation,,,

A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
...

Wife comes home from work.

Wife: I left my job today,

Husband: Why?

Wife: I could not work for that man after what he said to me.

Husband: So what did he say.?

Wife: You are fired."

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

What did the brick do after he was fired?

Got a job in construction.

(Hopefully original am open to feedback)

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It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

I wanna crack some jokes on " Fired people"

But they don't work anymore!!

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *Turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter, where did you get those”

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John Wayne got fired from his first job cleaning stables.

He wouldn't take shit from anyone even if you paid him.

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

My brother is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store...

because he couldn't remember the prices

The store I worked at fired me for not putting enough variety on their soft drinks display.

Apparently I had too many lines of coke.

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