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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

My boss fired me.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "You always question authority."


I said, "How?"

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate.

I was fired from the calendar factory yesterday

All I did was take a week off

The CEO of Pepsi was fired today.

They found traces of Coke in his system.

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The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

I just got fired from my job at the door making factory.

I just couldn't get a handle on it.

Why was the boxer fired from his job?

He never punched out

Why was the food critic fired?

They didn't reference their sauces

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

[OC] I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I got fired from work today for taking the initiative.

It was a slow day so I thought why not let my team get some practice in to keep up their skills.

Didn't know it was against policy to set our fire station ablaze!

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

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I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why.

Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again

It was the end of my Korea

I got fired from my restaurant job for stealing...

But it was a whisk I was willing to take...

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

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I was fired for bringing peanut butter cups to work

I blame systemic Reesism.

My Dermatologist was fired today...

I'm told he made too many rash decisions.

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

It's 2020 and I've just been fired from my job at internet explorer.

The 2008 crash hit us bad.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

Did you hear about the Rabbi who got fired after a botched circumcision?

He got the sac.

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

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My massage therapist got fired ...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

A bartender was fired

A bartender was let go because he kept breaking glasses wile doing fancy tricks as he made drinks.

He was fired for his pour performance.

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

What’s the easiest, yet longest way to get fired?

Say something controversial on Twitter and wait 5 years.

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

Just got fired from da carpet factory.

I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

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Why did the female pornstar get fired from her job?

She had a fap sheet a mile long!

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

My boss fake fired me once

I'm still waiting for him to tell me it was a joke

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Boss: You’re fired.

[pauses the porn]. Why?

I got fired from my job as an animal rights activist

All I said was that sometimes it feels like you’re beating a dead horse when you try to get people to donate

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

Times were tough at the Daily Planet and Perry White was forced to fire a star reporter. Either Lois Lane or Clark Kent.

He struggled making a decision for days until he went to the grocery store and saw a sign. The next day he called both of them into his office where fired Lois Lane. After she left, Clark Kent asked him, "Perry, how did you decide which of us to fire?" He replied, "I couldn't make a decision until I...

Wood fired pizza

How’s pizza gonna get a job now?

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

What did sideshow Bob work as after he got fired from being a clown?

A bartender

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

"What?! I'm gonna die!? That can't be right! Do it again or you're fired!"

"But sir, your COVID-19 test came back *negative,* Mr. President."

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I got fired from my job just because I'm pansexual.

Who wants to work in a kitchen anyway.

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver...

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

I got fired from my job today.

Apparently when you work at a cremation company you aren’t suppose to answer the phones me with “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy.

Still got a severance package.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

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I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

They fired the guy who invented the wheel...

He was cutting too many corners.

There was a big scandal at my school the other day, two students were suspended and teacher was fired for drinking on the job.

Homeschool is crazy.

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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.

A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he ha...

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

I got fired from the unemployment office today

my boss said “clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on monday”

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