UPJOKE
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Dislike Jokes

Why do Soviet Russians dislike running so much?

Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.

Why do birch trees dislike dogwood trees so much?

They really hate their bark

I meet these genie.

He asked: “Who is the person you dislike the most?” I told him that it would be my mother-in-law. He explained to me that I get three wishes but whatever I wish for my mother-in-law gets double of.

My first wish: “I want one mansion.” My mother-in-law gets two mansions.

My second wish:...

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I really dislike my boss.

He's lazy, has bad people skills, and doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground. I hate being self-employed somedays.

YouTube disabled the dislike counter.

I would say that everyone disliked that, but I honestly can't tell.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

What did the lady that dislikes flowers and children say?

I don’t like orchids or kids

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

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I dislike my cat.

She's such a butt licker.

Why do Afghans dislike being stereotyped?

They hate people making blanket statements about them.

A church got a new pastor, who the music minister immediately disliked. Eventually, their conflict spilled out into the Sunday services.

The first week, the pastor preached about commitment and how we should dedicate our lives to serving one another. The music minister led the song "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week, the pastor preached about tithing and how important it was for the congregation to contributed to the chu...

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

I dislike the colour purple

more than blue and red combined.

What do you call a person who dislikes people who don’t have toes?

Lack toes intolerant.

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What kind of drink does Hitler dislike?

Juice.

Why did so many people dislike the constitution?

It was too negative, they should have changed con to pro.

Why does Matthew McConaughey dislike NASCAR

Because it's not all right, all right, all right.....

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

I really dislike people doing Michael Jackson impressions

Whenever I see one, I turn 360 degrees and walk away.

What does Bill Gates say when he dislikes something?

Bill Hates.

Why did the Caribbean guy dislike one of the most commonly used vowels?

Because he was from Haiti.

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Why Indian students are disliked abroad

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History.
Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"


She saw a sea of blank face...

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Saw this joke on YouTube and originally disliked it, but I eventually came around to it. (I'll change it up a bit, though.)

There's this single dad with three kids. One day, the circus comes to town. The guy says, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the circus."

So they get there, and they sit in the front row. The elephants come out, the jugglers come out, and the clowns come out. One clown says in a funny voice, "Uh, ca...

I dislike my job as a waiter.

But it puts food on the table.

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

Don't date anyone who dislikes the Muppets...

Clearly, they aren't a fan of Kermitment

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

I can't stand rock climbing...

It's not the climbing I dislike, it's the people encouraging me. They drive me up the wall.

Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?

They always end up in the bunker.

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

Why I dislike this sub:

There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.

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Why did the window cleaner dislike his job?

It was a pane in the ass.

Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most?

The micro wave.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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Why did Eva Braun dislike giving Hitler blowjobs?

Because he left a Nazi taste in her mouth.

It’s Perfectly fine to dislike certain races

I like running the 5k personally, my friend runs the 10k and he’s like that better though

I don't know why people dislike roman Numerals.

I, for one, like them.

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

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Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much?

It can't do jack shit.

My friend told me he really dislikes "All Star" by Smashmouth.

I said: "Hey now..."

Why do LGBT people dislike coding?

It's binary

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

Why did the mirror's parents dislike it misbehaving?

They were concerned about how it would reflect on them.

I just love the feeling you get when someone you dislike is wearing slightly uncomfortable shoes

Ah shoddenfreude

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I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

I dislike the word "kidnapping"...

I prefer "surprise adoption".

Why do most people dislike anchovies?

Because they're a little fishy

I like my internet like I dislike my women.

Not going down on me.

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

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Why does Hitler dislike strip clubs?

Too many Poles.

Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs?

They prefer fur mats.

A new survey shows that 99% of Americans dislike Donald Trump

I knew Trump was a part of the 1%.

Why does Donald Trump dislike trees?

Because they're brown and don't speak English.

Why do indegionous people dislike snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

I used to dislike the idea of having a beard ...

but it slowly grew on me.

I dislike how Mandarin is romanized

But that's just my o-pinyin

My son disliked the present he received from 50 Cent.

It was cheap and badly rapped.

My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

At first John disliked a short haircut

But then it grew on him.

why do apple computers dislike love songs?

they are all done by Adele!

Why did the programmer dislike his job?

He wasn't getting arrays at work.

I've never really disliked pastries

But I hate Pai now

Why does Donald Trump dislike Bernie Sanders?

Chickens tend to avoid anything with the last name "Sanders".

Had some beers with a Muslim friend and he told me the REAL reason why Muslims dislike dogs

As he put it:

"Well.. when some dogs see a Muslim praying... some dogs might.. see it as an invitation.. to some erotic fun.."

(At this point I was snorting beer all over the place)

"...and it kinda ruin the moment"

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My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me.

Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7?

They thought 7 was pretty odd.

Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

It saves so much time.

Why did the priest dislike geometry?

It's sin-ful.


[self made joke]

I always disliked my hair

but its growing on me.

What's the only type of music that the balloon dislikes?

Pop.

Why is North Korea disliked by South Korea?

It's because they are a Seoulless nation.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.

He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:

"So, how are things down there?" asks God.

"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditio...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween,

They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

You guys wont believe what happened today

So my friend told me that he didn't like the Lord of the rings trilogy.

And just a minute after that he was hit by a car!

I assume it's a bad sign to dislike Tolkien.



Anyway, I lost my drivers license today.

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

Why do the French like eating snails?

Because they dislike fast food

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Two friends are walking through a forest...

A cat and a rooster - lifelong friends - are walking through the forest and starting to get hungry. Eventually they come to a stream and notice some food on the other side. While the stream isn't very wide, it is fast moving, and there is no easy way to cross.

The rooster is so hungry at ...

My Name ist short

An employee from a different Branche visits.

Coworker: "you should know that the Boss Here is called featherstonehaugh. He dislikes being mispronounced so try to remember it. My own Name is 'short'."

Employee: "my name is short too, it's 'Long'."

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on...

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

I asked my wife what three things she finds most irritating.

She said, "well, I really dislike Sunday drivers. I'm not particularly keen on loud, abnoixious children. But mostly, I really hate it when I have to repeat myself!"

"Oh, yeah, absolutely!" I replied, "You can say that again."

The story of Tyrone

When he was in school none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness. However, no one disliked him as much as his teacher who was always telling him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day Tyrone's mother came to the school to check on her son, and his teacher t...

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