UPJOKE

I Feel Like Jokes

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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I told my therapist that I feel like I'm living in a sitcom.

And then about 30 people laughed.

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve,

“Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

I feel like cheating on my partner today.

My left hand is looking real fine.

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do?

Pull yourself together.

I feel like an 'IOT'

Someone stole my ID.

I feel like there is a problem with my prostate...

...but I can't put my finger on it.

I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities.

I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

I feel like most drugs are ok.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

I feel like I’m running out of jokes...

[depleted]

I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."

Today I feel like a million bucks...

I've lost all my interest in the stock market.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

Sometimes I feel like a Pelican

Everywhere I turn there is just a huge bill

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

I went to the doctor, i told them most times i feel like a wigwam but then other times i feel like a teepee.

They said I’m two tents.

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

I feel like the workforce is getting dumber at my company every time they hire someone...

It's like they're constantly bringing moron.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

GF says I feel like a father to her

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

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I feel like porn hub is being a bit heavy handed now.

Then again...

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Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero

Mostly because I'm wearing a mask

Whenever I feel like I have too many friends,

I tell them I'm a Trump supporter.

Sometimes, I feel like driving north

On parkway south

I feel like I'm becoming more like my dad little by little

Every day it feels like I disappear a little

"Doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be."

"Just relax a bit. You're two tenths."

I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts.

Have you ever... ever felt like this?

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When I browse Reddit, I feel like a proctologist...

I see way too many assholes.

I feel like the United Nations right now....

I say I’m doing work but I’m not.

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

I feel like my nose is bleeding.

It's snot though.

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I feel like I've been looking at a giant butt all year long.

Hindsight is 2020.

Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

Some days I feel like a hundred million pennies

It's a million bucks, but it's kinda heavy

I feel like I've eaten three countries!

...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

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I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

I feel like The Mandela Effect used to be called something else.

But I can't remember what.

Which is why I still refer to it as The Mandela Effect.

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

“A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont’s”

When I feel like I have nobody to talk to...

I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

Boss keeps complaining that I drank the last of the water from the cooler. Now I feel like Jesus

Just turned water into whine.

I feel like I only meet people now using hookup apps

the last time I met a guy in real life
I was out drinking

He told me he was a cop

I found that out when he pulled me over

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

I feel like a million bucks today..

Seriously, how do I get rid of this erection? I'm getting worried.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like I just won the lotto!

Because I just paid the IRS a shit ton of tax.

I feel like a plastic bottle in a Pepsi factory

I'm soda pressed.

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It s been 2 weeks since i had sex and i feel like im going insane.

2 weeks and 23 years to be exact.

I said to my mom “I feel like you’re trying to gaslight me right now.”

She said “of course not sweetie, it’s all in your head.”

I feel like some of the strategies used in World War One were a little...

Over the Top

I feel like I got a bad deal on my dwarf transformation surgery...

I was definitely short-changed.

Sometimes I'm so pessimistic, I feel like a German vegetarian

I'm always fearing the wurst

I carpool with Michael. J. Fox. Whenever he drives, I feel like royalty.

By royalty, I mean Princess Diana.

I feel like a man trapped in a horse's body.

It sucks being a centaur.

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

A guy goes to the doctor and says that he can't explain what is happening. He says "Some days I feel like a wigwam, and some days I feel like a teepee"

Doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you! You're two tents..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like such an amateur at these orgies I've been going to lately.

Everyone is just fucking better than me.

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I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea...

"Butt wait, there's more!"

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