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Family Jewels Jokes

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and su...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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A woman and her bets

A withered old woman was trying to convince the president of a very high-end bank to give her a sizable loan. The man refused, because she was unemployed.
"I'm not unemployed," she said, "I'm a professional better."
The man, intrigued, asked her what she meant.
"I make bets for a living. ...

Why did the female robber shoot the man?

He offered her his family jewels.

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

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(OC) One day while going to the bathroom, a little boy asks his father, "Dad what are these things hanging under my weewee?"

"Oh that" says his dad, "Those are your family jewels."

"Oh" the boy replies.

The next day, the dad gets a call from the school principal that his son is in trouble and will be suspended for looking up a girls skirt.

The dad asked the son, "What were you thinking?"

The s...

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

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