Ancient Jewel

Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries:

What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he w...

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A 30 year old man has had a headache for 15 years

He goes to the doctor to see about it. His doctor says “I’ve only heard of this once before, the only solution was to cut off your penis”

The man says “oh wow, can I think it over for a couple days before the procedure”

The doctor says “of course”

The man goes home and thinks a...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

So I was dating this one blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan

So I was dating this blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan before we went to dinner that night. So I got out on my roof,fully nude, and laid out. While laying on my back, I accidentally fell asleep on the roof, causing me to get a BAD sunburn everywhere including my pecker. However, I didn...

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

A true story from Warren Buffett

One day Mr. Buffett invited a jeweler over to show some jewels to his other friends during a vacation, but was worried about the security of the hotel.

“See that safe?” the jeweler said. “This afternoon we changed the combination and now even the hotel management doesn’t know what it is.” War...

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An Engagement Request

A young prince was courting a nearby princess. She was exceedingly beautiful, but not well off; her parents insisted that she entertain the request, as his kingdom was very wealthy.

So she told him, "I will only marry you on three conditions; the first is that you build me a palace covered i...

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

A priest and a lawyer

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.

Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.

"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new ...

A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

My parents sent me to conversion therapy.

They wanted me to go from "Pascals" to "Jewels".

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his lif...

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and su...

A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.

"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."

"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

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A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...

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A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.

F...

[Long] A man and his wife are living in a cabin in the woods...

One day, the man goes to the well to get some water for the cabin before going to chop firewood, and clumsily drops his trusty hatchet into the well. The spirit of the well rises and says 'I am the spirit of the well, and help those who lose possesions in my well'. He asks the man what he needs help...

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A woman and her bets

A withered old woman was trying to convince the president of a very high-end bank to give her a sizable loan. The man refused, because she was unemployed.
"I'm not unemployed," she said, "I'm a professional better."
The man, intrigued, asked her what she meant.
"I make bets for a living. ...

Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe,

where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour.

Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest.

The people laboured on fo...

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A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus.

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. On the other end of the bench sits an old man, who is holding the reins of a camel which stands next to him. The journalist, feeling impatient, glances at his watch only to find that it has stopped working. Turning to the old ...

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Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

A Cab Driver and a Priest

A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. "Here, enjoy Heaven."
...

The Lord of the Manor

The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in h...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

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How to tell time.

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking
the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing
the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at
their ramshackle hotel - the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon...

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