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Imperial Jokes

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

People really need to start calling out US imperialism.

I can't believe they haven't switched to the metric system yet.

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WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

Maritime Imperial Unit Puns

You can’t even fathom how many there are

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

From where do Imperial Stormtroopers say their prayers?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

What do get when you cross an Imperial cruiser with an abortion clinic?

A Stork Destroyer

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

What's Imperial Britain's favorite game?

Clash of Clans

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

WW1. Austro-Hungarian HQ. Italian snipers are decimating the imperial troops, and that needs to stop...

"Zis can't go on! Vat are the pasta eaters doing to kill zis many troop?"

"Apparently, Herr commander, zey discovered zat the most common name in our troops is Fritz. So the snipers call out "Fritz" und every time zome idiot pokes his head out to answer und gets shot."
"Vell th...

I've heard so many theories about why America won't drop the imperial system

But we all know it's really just a foot fetish

I've heard that imperial system has a lot of advantages.

As a European, I only see fl oz.

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Japan's economy crashed in the 90s because their housing bubble was so bad, the Imperial Palace was worth all the land in California.

I *wish* houses out here could still be that cheap!

What is Darth Vader’s favorite month?

Imperial March

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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

Darth Vader comes in to a French bakery and orders 3 loafes of bread and two apple pies.

Pain pain pain, Tarte Tatin, Tarte Tatin.

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A Stormtrooper and a Twi’lek prostitute are chatting after sex

She says to him, “You know, I’ve fucked guys from the Empire and from the Resistance and I’m more partial to you Imperials.”

“Why is that?” Asks the stormtrooper.

“Well you guys always seem to last longer.”

“Is that so? Whats wrong with the Rebels?”

“Well,” she says with...

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

I lost 80 pounds last week

I simply switched from imperial to metric

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

America is weird

First they decided to get rid of all monarchs,
Then they start using the imperial system.

Seriously guys, search up the definition of irony.

Why is Metric Better?

Imperial is lit, but Metric is Liter

Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

The U.S is so hypocritical

Claims to be a republic, but uses the imperial system...

What unit of measurement do Jedi use?

Imperial

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

How do we know that Darth Vader is American?

Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March

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So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper?

An Imperial Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three soldiers walk into a bathroom...

Three soldiers walk into a bathroom: an Ultramarine, a Blood Angel, and an Imperial Guardsman. They each head to a urinal and begin to do their business.

The Ultramarine finishes first, and walks over to wash his hands. Washing his hands, he uses plenty of soap and water, spends a long time s...

The Emperor of Rome had a thousand Centurions.

One day, he decided to give them a raise. He called them all to his throne room, and declared they be given a 4% increase in their monthly pay.

Now, the Centurions were paid one gold coin per month. That would mean their new pay was a gold coin and 4 silver ones. The total fee spent would be ...

The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks.

Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.



Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperi...

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

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