UPJOKE
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As a repair man, I once installed a motor too powerful in a moving stairway.

It escalated very quickly.

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Saw a homeless man take a crap in a see-through elevator

Damn, that shit escalated quickly

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

That escalated quickly

### That escalated quickly

I was getting a handjob off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"


"Years of practice," she said.


"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.


"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms.

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

I just took an escalator that sent me to the 5th floor of the building in 5 seconds.

That escalated quickly.

Fighting buddies

There were 3 oddly named friends, Somebody, Nobody and Oncrack. One day, an argument broke between Somebody & Nobody. The argument escalated, and a serious fight broke out. Oncrack tried to stop but couldn't succeed. Blood started dripping in the fight. OnCrack immediately thought of calling cop...

√2, π, and -1 were having a discussion about vaccine science

It escalated into an argument and -1 was getting frustrated that his explanations were just being ignored by the others.

"This is impossible. Neither of you are listening to me." he said.

Then π asked him, "Why do you have to be *negative* all the time?"

"Forget it," said -1 as ...

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator.

I have never been wrong on so many levels.

So we tried using the escalator and I saw how quickly it escalated.

A Dadaist walks into a bar...

He orders a drink, sips it for a while, pays his tab, and leaves. Outside he declares the whole thing a joke.

Unsastisfied, an Absurdist walks into the bar and orders a Dadaist. The bartender groans as he is forced to run outside and bring back the Dadaist to fulfill the order. This quickly e...

Signs of aging, from a lady

After finishing a meeting I left the hotel and headed to the parking lot. After failing to find my car keys in my handbag and pockets, I started to panic. I headed back to the conference room and still couldn't find the keys.

I suddenly realized that I must have left them in the car. This has...

Simon was woken by a disturbance

He looked out of his window in to the dark street and saw a group of people arguing, pushing and shoving eachother.

Normally Simon would ignore such things and not get involved, however they were near his pride and joy of a car.

Concerned for his car's safety, Simon threw on a t-shir...

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