UPJOKE
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One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

What do you call a Finn who dies?

Finnished.

I’m a big fan of books like “Huckleberry Finn” and “Tom Sawyer,”

I’m also a fan of songs like “Man! I feel like a woman” and “You’re still the one.” I can’t help but think that this author would write wonderfully folksy songs for this artist.

But sadly, never the Twain shall meet.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

Three Finns are out fishing on lake Päijänne

One of them catches a large sturgeon but as he pulls the sturgeon on board their little rowing boat it starts talking:
"Please my good men, set me free again and I will grant each of you a wish!".

The Finnish anglers agrees to release the fish and once gently back in the water, the fish as...

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

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An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

How can you recognize an extrovert Finn?

When they talk to you they stare at the tips of *your* shoes.

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A Dane, a Swede and a Finn...

A Dane, a Swede and a Finn want to find out who is the manliest. They decide to have contest with three stages. First they must drink one liter of vodka. Next they need to kill a bear barehanded. Last, they must prove their manhood and fuck a maiden.

The Dane went first. He drank the vodka, ...

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Norwegian, Finn and Swede see a genie that grants wishes

The genie tells the group that they need to climb to a nearby block of flats and while jumping down they need to shout what they want and they will fall in to a pile of what they shouted.

The norwegian jumps down and shouts "MONEY" and he falls in to a big pile of money.

The finn jumps...

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

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So a Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn ...

decide to have a contest who can make the misus scream the longest after climax.

The Swede gets 15 seconds of passionate screaming and moaning.

The Norwegian gets a whole minute of moaning and screaming.

The Finn wipes his dick in to curtains and the wife screams for two weeks.

During the winter war, the Soviets where attacking a Finnish position

At first the Soviet command sends five soldiers in, and they all get killed by The enemy.

A Finnish soldier then yelled to the Soviets “Is that all you’ve got? I’m only one here.”

Then the Soviet command sends in 15 soldiers, who all, again, is killed by the enemy.

The Finnish s...

Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking vodka..

After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says “This was fun”
The other one replies:
“Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk?”

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caug...

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A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian

get caught in a storm while sailing and crash into an island. The island is inhabited by cannibals. They're given 3 tasks and if they fail at anyone of them, they'll be eaten.
First they have to drink a bottle of moonshine, then they have to go into a tiger cave and kill a tiger and lastly they ...

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This is a joke from Norway that I've heard, as a Finn I absolutely love it.

A long time ago, there was a man named Toivonen, he had turned 18 and had to face a test about his manhood.

He got 3 challenges:
1. He must drink a bottle of hard booze in one sitting without cringing, flinching, or without a reaction in any way
2. He must shake hands with a live b...

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The World's Best Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a L...

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

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This is an old Finnish story

A few young guys were bored on a Saturday night and decided to go drive a roundabout. It was in the middle of the night, no other cars, so they decided to drive the roundabout in reverse. Suddenly, a car came from behind and rear-ended them.

The cops were called and both cars were waiting. Wh...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Finn are on an island

The Norwegian shoots the other two.

Why are Scandinavians so good at swimming?

Cause they have Finns

The pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician.

After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir.

What line goes through Finland?

The Finnish line.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

During the Russo-Finnish War...

During the Russo-Finnish War, a Russian general was marching his army through Finland. As they passed a ridge, he heard a voice call out from the other side:

“One Finn is worth 10 Russians!”

So he takes his 10 best soldiers and sends them over the ridge. After a minute of shooting, the...

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

There's a Soviet General on the eastern front in Finland...

He goes to see his men to raise their morale; they've been having trouble taking a forest.

From across the forest he hears, "Ha! One Finn is better than ten Russians!"

The general is angered by this so he rounds up the nearest ten soldiers and sends them to find and kill the Finn. He h...

How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?

It only has Finns on one side.

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

Do you know why firetrucks are red?

Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.

4+8=12

There are 12 inches in a ruler

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler

There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth

Ships sail on seas

Seas have fish

Fish have fins

People from Finland are Finns

Finlan...

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

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A Finnish man died

His two Swedish friends are having a moment to remember him.

-You know... ... he was pretty weird.

-What do you mean with that?

-He had 2 assholes.

-How do you know that?!

-Everytime we walked into the bar together the bartender said: "Here comes the Finn with ...

What is every fishes favorite book?

Huckleberry Finn!

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

Force Awakens joke my 9yo made up

What did Poe ask Finn when they went fishing?

"Do you know how to tie a fly tighter?"

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

Star Wars Joke...

If Finn hooks up with Rey...

He would be the first stormtrooper to hit something

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A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

Let's be honest...

Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...

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Officers from USA, Russian and Finland

Officers from Russia, The US and Finland where having a beer at a bar. They were of course bragging about how great their armies are.

The American said that "We have so many airplanes that if them all would fly at the same time the sun would be covered and the day would turn dark for a momen...

A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a b...

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A classic. No doubt you've seen it before, but here goes:

In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:

He has the MANNERS of the Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of th...

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