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Dialogue Jokes

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

What was one of the most NSFW dialogue from the 50s/60s sitcom?

Ward, I think you were a little too hard on the Beaver last night.

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words...

it was published posthumeously.

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.

It rendered me speechless.

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

A dialogue between friends

-My russian Friend is coming to visit tomorrow
-Vladizslav?
-Baby dont hurt me...

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

Why don't trees talk?

They don't like to dialogue.

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The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

Dry Humour

A man went to his doctor, dialogue ensues:

Patient: Doctor im not ok. Whenever I sleep I dream of a Power Ranger.

Doctor: Who?

Patient: The blue one.

How do we know that a tree makes a sound if it falls in the forest?

Because it will dialogue.

Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

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A girl comes home late in the evening...

A girl comes home late in the evening and still thinks how terribly she wants to smoke, but she has no cigarettes. Already near the house, she comes to the conclusion that she has to smoke. She sees three bums sitting on a nearby bench. She comes up to them and asks if they would give her a cigarett...

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

A blonde who want to earn some money

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”

The bl...

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

The tale of the clever dog

Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle.

While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is awa...

A redditor really wants to make the front page

It's always been his dream, and he wants to get a lot of karma.

So he starts praying to God. He says, "Please God, I really want to make the front page. Help me make my dream a reality."

Weeks go by and it still hasn't happened. So he tries again,

"God please, I just want to mak...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

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