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Aggressive Jokes

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!
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I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.
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[oc] What do you call a non aggressive Bruce Lee?

Friend Lee
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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

10 Most Aggressive Dog Breeds

10. Aggression

9. Is

8. Not

7. Bred

6. It

5. Is

4. A

3. Trained

2. Behavior

1 Chihuahua
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What did the pirate say when they were getting their ass eaten too aggressively?

Yarrgh, slow down you're swallowing me hole!

A cat begins typing a passive-aggressive workplace message

“Purr my last email…”
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Why was the programmer’s dog so aggressive?

Because it’s name was Megabyte!
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My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"
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My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off
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Why is GEICO so aggressive?

Because they try to sell you insurance right from the gecko.
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My crazy neighbour rang my doorbell aggressively at 3 A.M.

I almost dropped my drilling machine!
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I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.
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What do you call a hippo that tells other hippos to not be aggressive?

A hippocrite.
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Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…
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My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...
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What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?

Eye contact.

Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar...

...always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.
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Why are farmers aggressive gamblers?

Because they raise the steaks.
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The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.
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What did the passive aggressive cheese say?

Queso? (K......so?)
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What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do?

An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance
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What did the aggressive walnut say to the group of peanuts?

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!
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What did the passive aggressive Spanish cheese say?

Kay, so?



Sorry, heading to the gym and this is the best I can meunster.
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To people who get pissed off about passive-aggressive criticism...

What else do you do poorly?

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?

I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.
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WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?







Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.

So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.

It's fine.
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I just saw two people having aggressive sex while camping.

They were fucking in tents.

I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.
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Someone once told me that I'm passive aggressive all the time

I told him to please move on in life.
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People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.
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I just watched aggressive sex between a group of people that celebrate pride and individuality in 720p

It was HD LGBTQ BDSM

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.
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What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.
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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

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Aggressive driver

So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass. So he goes to the left; I ...

My friend told me I apologize too much and that I’m passive aggressive.

I told him I was sorry he felt that way.
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Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...
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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

What do you call a Passive Aggressive Ogre with one eye?

A Sighcylops.
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I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month.

It’s nothing but period drama.
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“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)
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I'm a passive aggressive driver.

I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.
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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

What’s the most aggressive fast food business right now?

its nacho business
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Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.
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My wife and I are playing the passive aggressive thermostat game...

She is currently winning 73 to 68
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Aggressiveness is in the eye of the beholder.

Until he punches you in the face. Then aggressiveness is inbetween the eyes of the beholder.
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Can you people please stop being so condescending and passive-aggressive?

Thanks!
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How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know. Why don't *you* change it yourself instead of waiting for other people to do it?
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1 in 3 homicides start with a passive aggressive note.

But of course you are too busy to read it.
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What do you call an aggressive reptile that likes to start shit with people on Instagram?

An instigator.

What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak
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What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe?

"...ugh nevermind"
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"Dad, why are they taking down the traffic lights so aggressively?"

"I don't know, son, but they sure are pulling out all the stops."
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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...
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There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.
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A man is having vulgar aggressive sex with his woman...

She asks him: "Wo wo wo... honey... would you be a little bit more considerate and classy?"

Him: "Like how?"

Her: "Pretend you're at a classy dinner with classy friends..."

Him: "Sure, could you please pass me that tit?"

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...
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Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.
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Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...
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A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...
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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...
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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...
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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He wal...

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

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A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority).

A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:

Turks have three problems

Immediately a Turk comes up and says:

-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?

-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start qua...

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

A goat farmer and his wife one day went to feed the goats.

Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother came from another town. His brother was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral and said "Look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife" In ...
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when you're drunk,..

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation;

Cinnamon.



Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;

Passive-aggressi...

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A city slicker goes to visit a cattle ranch in Montana one day.

He meets the chief ranch hand who takes him on a tour of the place.

"Here we keep the heifers," he says. "They have this huge pasture to roam and feed until they're ready for market."

"Interesting," the city guy says. "What about the bulls?"

"They're across the way over there," ...

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...
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What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income
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Sweep her off her feet!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Man you should have gotten here earlier," the bartender says. "Joe was having quite a night. We got to watch him sweep a pretty girl off her feet." "Well, that's no surprise," the guy replies. "He's always been an aggressive janitor."
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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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A Cop just burst into my house...

And starting aggressively jerking me off...


... must have been a beat cop.

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A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finis...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...
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Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “pretend we...
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Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend.”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend who?”

“IF YOU DONT KNOW IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!”
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