UPJOKE
hostilepredatorybelligerentviolencecompetitivecombativemilitantassertivebehaviorhostilityfast-growingroughinvasiveself-assertivehard-hitting

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I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

Why is GEICO so aggressive?

Because they try to sell you insurance right from the gecko.

My crazy neighbour rang my doorbell aggressively at 3 A.M.

I almost dropped my drilling machine!

10 Most Aggressive Dog Breeds

10. Aggression

9. Is

8. Not

7. Bred

6. It

5. Is

4. A

3. Trained

2. Behavior

1 Chihuahua

What do you call a hippo that tells other hippos to not be aggressive?

A hippocrite.

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What did the pirate say when they were getting their ass eaten too aggressively?

Yarrgh, slow down you're swallowing me hole!

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,

Kathy.

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

We have a beautiful little girl

who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?

Eye contact.

What did the aggressive walnut say to the group of peanuts?

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

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I just watched aggressive sex between a group of people that celebrate pride and individuality in 720p

It was HD LGBTQ BDSM

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month.

It’s nothing but period drama.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

A goat farmer and his wife one day went to feed the goats.

Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother came from another town. His brother was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral and said "Look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife" In ...

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To people who get pissed off about passive-aggressive criticism...

What else do you do poorly?

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

Someone once told me that I'm passive aggressive all the time

I told him to please move on in life.

Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar...

...always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

Why are farmers aggressive gamblers?

Because they raise the steaks.

What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do?

An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

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I just saw two people having aggressive sex while camping.

They were fucking in tents.

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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

What do you call a Passive Aggressive Ogre with one eye?

A Sighcylops.

WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?







Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.

So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.

It's fine.

Why was Fozzie Bear acting so aggressively?

Muppet rabies.

Sweep her off her feet!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Man you should have gotten here earlier," the bartender says. "Joe was having quite a night. We got to watch him sweep a pretty girl off her feet." "Well, that's no surprise," the guy replies. "He's always been an aggressive janitor."

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What do you call an aggressive reptile that likes to start shit with people on Instagram?

An instigator.

Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

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A top defense lawyer dies and is taken to hell where he meets Satan

Satan promptly recognizes him and takes him around for a tour. "Hell isn't so bad once you get to hang out with people like yourself". The lawyer gets hopeful "So then there must be a lot of lawyers here? Can you take me to their section of hell?". Satan tells him their section is in the deepest par...

How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't bother, I'll do it myself.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

My wife and I are playing the passive aggressive thermostat game...

She is currently winning 73 to 68

What’s the most aggressive fast food business right now?

its nacho business

Can you people please stop being so condescending and passive-aggressive?

Thanks!

“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)

I'm a passive aggressive driver.

I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.

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A flash mob appears outside a police station, a man has killed 11 people!

A policeman hears a lot of noise coming from Infront of the station so he struts outside to check all the hastle. When he exits the door, an aggressive mob outside is screaming and shouting while pushing a person into the cops body.

"Alright, alright, what's going on here then?"

"Offic...

What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.

"Dad, why are they taking down the traffic lights so aggressively?"

"I don't know, son, but they sure are pulling out all the stops."

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Aggressive driver

So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass. So he goes to the left; I ...

Can I see some ID?

*Disclaimer: I heard this joke from Joe Lycett, it's not mine*

I went to an off-license (a liquor shop) to get a bottle to celebrate my new house, and in the shop in front of me was a lad buying a 4-pack of lager beer. Behind the counter was a girl, maybe 18, 20, not much older, and she said ...

If someone does something to annoy you, DONT just be passive aggressive about.

Unlike SOME people I know.

Aggressiveness is in the eye of the beholder.

Until he punches you in the face. Then aggressiveness is inbetween the eyes of the beholder.

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe?

"...ugh nevermind"

1 in 3 homicides start with a passive aggressive note.

But of course you are too busy to read it.

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?

I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...

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A man is having vulgar aggressive sex with his woman...

She asks him: "Wo wo wo... honey... would you be a little bit more considerate and classy?"

Him: "Like how?"

Her: "Pretend you're at a classy dinner with classy friends..."

Him: "Sure, could you please pass me that tit?"

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

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A Cop just burst into my house...

And starting aggressively jerking me off...


... must have been a beat cop.

A man is sitting down for his dinner.

He hears a knock at the door. And as he lives in quite a rural area there doesn't tend to be that many visitors, so he was quite taken aback. As he opened the door, he looked round everywhere but there was no one there. He was very confused. But then looking down on the floor, he saw a snail and thr...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finis...

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

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