A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army

He heard they had an excellent draft.

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

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a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! Th...

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

What do you call a deer that’s enlisted in the Air Force?

A bombar*deer*.

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. (NSFW)

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed abnormally long penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's the family thing, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father...

Did you hear about the Farmer who was abroad for a long period of time as an enlisted soldier?

His wife sent him a John Deere letter.

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I just enlisted my kids into the Navy.

Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:

Krautsourcing

A sergeant major, an mp, and a chaplain are at a post.

The sergeant major points to the chaplain, he says to the E2 newly enlisted Military Police officer, see that chaplain over there? Yes, said the MP. The sergeant major said "arrest him, hes wearing headphones at post". The mp puts the chaplain in cuffs and reads him his rights before stopping and st...

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Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

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A Captain in the Foreign Legion

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long w...

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute?

Carrion.

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order

An Austrian joke I like very much:

The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays.

They meet in front of the barracks and think about what t...

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

I don’t know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees ...

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Fishing trip

Two guys vacationing in Florida decide they want to go fishing. So they go into town and enlist the help of a local redneck who says he knows the perfect spot.

The guys grab their gear and head out on the hike. Along the path they come across a sheep tangled up in a barbed wire fence.
...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

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settling a dispute

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of soun...

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So there's a Marine general

an Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy Admiral sitting in the club arguing about who's enlisted members have the biggest balls.

So the Navy Admiral tells a Seaman, "That guy standing at the end of the bar, go kick his ass " So he goes over and proceeds to kick his ass. The Admiral ...

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

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A game of hide and seek

4 brothers were playing a game of hide and seek; Manners, None of your business, Shit and Trouble.
Manners, being the oldest, is elected as the seeker. Not long after finishing counting, he finds None of your business and Shit. Trouble, the youngest of the brothers, is noted as the best hide and ...

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon an...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

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TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...

The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars ev...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.

When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the ...

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A farmer had a constipated cow... NSFW

Fearing for the cow's health, the farmer enlisted the help of his friend. His friend said, "we just need to put a hose up the cow's butt and blow into it."

So they shove the hose into place and the friend blows and blows until his mouth is too tired. Finally he tells the farmer, "I'm too tir...

With this new Space Force being stood up...

I’ve already been hearing that enlistment bonuses are going to be astronomical.

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The FBI Agent

An agent for the FBI has been assigned the task of recruiting a new assassin. He has found a man who is dating, a man who is married, and a man who has been divorced and gives them each a gun. He tells them that in order to be enlisted they must go in an empty room and shoot their lover to prove the...

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Retired Sailor

An old sailor comes to shore for the last time, as he is retiring. He says goodbye to his crew and with his final pay check he decides to treat himself. Having been on the ship for many months with an all male crew, he decides to enlist the services of a prostitute. He pays her, and they head to a m...

Some Arnie jokes

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She'll be back.

__

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

__

A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to ma...

A soldier walks into a barber shop

and, seeing that both the barbers are busy but there is no-one else waiting, takes a seat. Just as one of the barbers finishes with his customer, in walks an officer. The officer quickly appraises the situation and sits straight down in the one vacant barbers' chair. "An officer on a weekend pass to...

Three German artillerymen were on probation for lackluster performance.

To secure continued enlistment in the military, they had to take a test that involved firing an egg out of a cannon, towards their commanding officer. They needed to use the smallest angle necessary to fire the egg in a way that didn't hit their CO.

The first man fired too low and hit the CO...

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?...

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