Drugs? My pupils are tiny...

... said the teacher

when you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils,

They Dilate.

When I was at school...

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually:
"Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

why do pupils have such a long life span?

because they dilate

The Teacher told her pupils to use the word contagious in a sentence.

First student: "I can't go near my brother, he has measles and is contagious."

Teacher: "Yes, that works well."

Johnny: "My Mum makes Dad start cutting the grass first thing in the morning as it takes the contagious."

I just got back from an eye examination where they dilated my pupils

It was truly an eye opening experience

Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.



20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands...

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

The teacher to his pupils in a suicide bomber lesson

"Please, pay attention cause I'll only say this once"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With school year nearing to the end elementary teacher asks her pupils

"I want you to bring a pebble for every *bad word* you say during holiday."

Time flies by fast and at the start of the new school year teacher takes kids out to the yard and asks:

"So, how many pebbles did you have to bring?"

Various kids replies with numbers like 5, 3, 12, etc....

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sensory Perception....

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of sweets and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The pupils easily identified the sweets flavoured of apple, lemon, strawb...

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
...

Who has the largest pupils?

A sumo instructor.

Why are all the parents going cross-eyed during the quarantine?

They can't control their pupils.

Buddha was walking down the road with his students...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another o...

If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

Students of kindergarten teachers are getting fatter and fatter

Their pupils are dilating.

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed

They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.

I’m afraid my son will start to gain too much weight when he starts school.

I hear it’s normal for pupils to dilate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:

\--I want to become a pilot!

\--And me – a fireman!

Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”

The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:

\--Why so?

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since is translate your national jokes day here it goes: a romanian one.

Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:

"Andrei?"

"Here."

"Anda?"

"Here."

"Bula?"

"Here."

Behind the class George starts laughing.

"What's so funny George?"

"Miss! If you chan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today

They need to protect their pupils.

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