Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a ...

This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer?

Ash.

If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dat ash!

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money....

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing?

He has a peekatyouuuu
Source:Am dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who always wanted to be a train conductor.

There once was a man who always wanted to be a train conductor. All his life this man wanted to conduct a train. So once the man grew older, he followed his dreams learned to be a conductor. The man went through extreme training and was finally ready to conduct a large passenger train.

&#...

What did 1 volcano say to another volcano?

That ash.

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

What’s a fireplace’s best feature?

Dat ash.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing. It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen. He came upon a large beech and a large birch, argu...

While I was in Germany I asked the waiter to bring me some Juice but without ice.

I got a plate of ash.

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

How to catch a bear...

Dig a giant hole...fill it with ash and put peas around it. Then when the bear goes to take a pea..kick him in the ash hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your ...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.

Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.

Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.

Now; you wait.

When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick ...

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

What did the hipster from Pompeii say to the archaeologist who discovered him?

"I was into volcanic ash before it was cool."

Two trees in the woods notice a small sapling growing in between them.

The first tree says: “look at that maple tree growing there!”
The second tree says: “that’s not a maple tree, that’s an elm tree!”
They argue back and forth until a woodpecker comes by. They ask the woodpecker to go and peck at the sapling and tell them if it is a maple or an elm.
The wood...

Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire?

He made an ash of himself!

^^how ^^ember ^^assing...

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department,“I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and t...

Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Malicious Compliance

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the pub one night complaining about their nagging wives. In order to get their own back, they decide to do the first thing their wives tell them when they return home that night.

The Englishman gets home, lights a cigarette and falls asleep on...

Two trees in the forest are having a debate.

Two trees in the forest are having a debate. There's a sapling between them, and they're arguing over whose it is. The first tree says "It's a son of a beech." Second tree retorts "No way, it's a son of a birch!" Back and forth they go, until a woodpecker comes along and asks what all the fuss is ab...

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...

But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.

How to trap your least favorite politician.

1) Dig a deep hole.

2) Sprinkle ash all around the edge of the hole.

3) When he/she shows up, kick him/her in the ash hole.

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

Father's day in the forest

Two middle aged trees, a beech and a birch, are standing in the forest one sunny day and spot a sapling off in the distance growing strong. They start arguing about whose son it must be. Hearing the commotion, a woodpecker flies over and after learning what they are arguing about agrees to investi...

What did the necropheliac say after his lover was cremated?

Can I still get a piece of ash?

A frog goes into a bank to ask for a loan

as he walks up to the teller he sees her nameplate reads Patty Black. The frog asks for a loan of fifty thousand dollars to build a beautiful new home on prime real estate, a lily pad in the best part of the pond. The bank teller says that in order to secure a loan of that amount he would need somet...

I just lost all my Pokemon cards in a house fire.

I only have Ash now.

My pseudonym when I would write a book about volcanoes?

T.R. Ash

A birch tree and an oak tree are talking in the woods...

"You see that sapling over there Oak? That's my son, he's going to be a great birch tree one day."

"No way!" Says the oak. "That's my daughter, she's going to grow into a fantastic oak tree!"

The two argue for a little bit until a woodpecker comes along and lands on the oak's branch. T...

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the R...

The Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum released a PSA that visitors were not allowed to play Pokemon GO!

Because they didn't want people pretending to be Ash

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