My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

Why is it okay for my aunt to keep her husband's ashes on her shelf...

But when people see my girlfriend's head on my nightstand they say mean things like "psychopath" and "you murderer".

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

When I die, I think I want my ashes to be kept in a glass jar.....

Remains to be seen.

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my ...

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A bus full of nuns drives off a cliff and they get killed...

They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks: “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The s...

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

Why should you be wary of Ash Ketchum when you're taking a shower?

Cos he might have a sneaky Pikachu

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

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Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

How do Reavers clean their spears?

They run them through the **w**ash

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

To catch a Peek-at-you

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius?

Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

A Grandfather just died and his son and his son's wife is discussing where to spread his ashes.

Wife: We should scatter it in the shore of his favorite beach.

Husband: I think we should scatter it in his favorite fishing spot.

Grandchild: I think we should scatter grandfather's ashes by the dam.

Husband and Wife: Why?

Grandchild: Because that's his favorite word.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

I once took a class on trapping animals

To trap a bear, you dig a huge pit, at least 10 feet deep and 10 feet in diameter. Then you go and find as much deadfall as you can and bring it to the pit. You light that on fire and let it burn to ashes.

Next you line a row of peas along the perimeter of the hole. Once that is done, hide b...

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash

as he walked out of the STI clinic

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

Two tall trees - a birch and beech - are growing in the woods.



A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ...

If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water...

Instagram.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust


Herpilations 4:20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

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Ash trays should be called...

Ash trays should be called ass trays, because you put butts in them.

I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I’ll go out on a high.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Birch or Beech Tree

A Birch and a Beech tree grow up next to each other. They spend many years talking and admiring the forest. But after such long lives, they start to get bored.

They notice a sapling growing up between them. They start to debate who the father is. Things get pretty heated between them.
...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up...

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing?

He has a peekatyouuuu
Source:Am dad.

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work.

That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.

I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes...

...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant.

That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

Some one told me to leave my auto correct on

I told them to eat my ash

How to catch a bear

Dig a hole and fill it with ash. Surround the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.

Knock knock

Who's there?


Ash


Ash who?


Bless you.

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A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a ...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

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