My grandfather’s last wish is that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Turning grandpas ashes into fireworks

Call it going out with a bang.

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust


Herpilations 4:20

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods....

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

‌‌I m‌‌et a‌‌ g‌‌irl a‌‌t a‌‌ c‌‌lub t‌‌he o‌‌ther n‌‌ight &‌‌ s‌‌he t‌‌old m‌‌e s‌‌he'd s‌‌how m‌‌e a‌‌ g‌‌ood t‌‌ime.

When w‌‌e g‌‌ot o‌‌utside, s‌‌he r‌‌an a‌‌ 4‌‌0 y‌‌ard d‌‌ash i‌‌n 4‌‌.8 s‌‌econds.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

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A traveling salesman is going door to door selling vaccum cleaners.

He goes up to one house, rings the bell and waits for an answer. The door opens and standing in front of him is a lil boy, who cannot be anymore than 7 years old. In one hand he's got a pint of beer and hanging out of his mouth is a lit cigar.

"Little boy, are your parents at home?" The sales...

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

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I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ash

Ash who?

\*Coffin Dance\*

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

Son of a birch

A birch tree and a beech tree were standing together in the forest when the noticed a small seedling growing nearby.

The birch tree says "ah, that's one of my children, a fine young birch!"

The beech tree says "no, that's clearly a beech, One of my many progeny."

They ask a pass...

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

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Ash trays should be called...

Ash trays should be called ass trays, because you put butts in them.

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I’ll go out on a high.

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3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.

While walking they see a gestapo officer.

"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the...

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia?

Ash.

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

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Dat ash!

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money....

Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

Yet another knock knock joke

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ash

Ash who?

Bless you



--
I'm sorry if this has been posted earlier. Was lazy to check. On the plus side, I came up with this just now.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up...

How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing?

He has a peekatyouuuu
Source:Am dad.

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

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Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work.

That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your ...

My grandad stopped smoking 2 weeks ago...

....But we only received his ashes today!

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

Son of a beech or a son of a birch

An Elm and an Oak tree in a forest are debating what type of tree the new sapling growing between them is.

The Elm says that is a son of a beech, oh no the Oak says that is a son of a birch. The debate goes on until one day a woodpecker fly's over and lands near by. The Oak says hey Mr Woodp...

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes...

...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.

How do you catch a bear?

First, you dig a hole.
Then, you fill it with ashes.
Then, you line the rim of the hole with peas.

When the bear comes to take a pea. You kick him in the ash hole!

Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us? Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.

In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree. The first...

The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

Will she be Rivers Phoenix?

Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

Why did the Englishman and the Aussie want to burn the other?

They wanted The Ashes.

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

While I was in Germany I asked the waiter to bring me some Juice but without ice.

I got a plate of ash.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

What’s a fireplace’s best feature?

Dat ash.

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a ...

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scatt...

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