The 61+ Best Ash Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.

Remains to be seen.

Tree joke

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling.

Th...

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

Hagrid spreading Dumbledore's ashes into the winds.

"You're a blizzard Albus."

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How to catch a brown bear

First you need to dig a hole. But it's gotta be a big ass hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in there. Next you need to start a fire inside of the hole. After the fire dies completely out take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole. After that take a c...

Are you saying smoking has no effect on a woman's voice?

Try dropping some cigarette ash on the carpet.

Two 81 year old women travelled the world

Two 81 year old women travelled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.

But the trees were so tall, they couldn’t tell what kind tree it was.

One day a kindly beaver came by, and the two trees asked the beaver if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.

The beaver started nibbling at the seedling and said, “That’s no son of a beech.” ...

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.

She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

When I die, I think I want my ashes to be kept in a glass jar.....

Remains to be seen.

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my ...

Why should you be wary of Ash Ketchum when you're taking a shower?

Cos he might have a sneaky Pikachu

Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

To catch a Peek-at-you

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

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Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

I like mountains.

But volcanoes are ash holes.

A birch tree and a beech tree notice a small tree growing between them.

Birch tree says "Do you think it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

Beech tree responds "I don't know, it's hard to tell from up here"

Suddenly a woodpecker flies by, so the birch tree asks him "Can you go down there and see if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
...

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash

as he walked out of the STI clinic

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

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I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a ...

I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust

Herpilations 4:20

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water...

Instagram.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

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Ash trays should be called...

Ash trays should be called ass trays, because you put butts in them.

What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius?

Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I’ll go out on a high.

Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing?

He has a peekatyouuuu
Source:Am dad.

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

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