UPJOKE
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Ash Jokes

My dad said that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be put in a record player.

It’s his vinyl request

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.

Remains to be seen.

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my ...

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Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

Hagrid spreading Dumbledore's ashes into the winds.

"You're a blizzard Albus."

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust


Herpilations 4:20

Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

To catch a Peek-at-you

“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash

as he walked out of the STI clinic

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

What did Pikachu say when Ash died?

Pikachu.

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

Why is Ash your stalker?

Because no matter where he goes he always takes a pikachu.

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Ash trays should be called...

Ash trays should be called ass trays, because you put butts in them.

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

Why should you be wary of Ash Ketchum when you're taking a shower?

Cos he might have a sneaky Pikachu

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

When I die, I think I want my ashes to be kept in a glass jar.....

Remains to be seen.

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

I lost my favorite ash tray.

Child Protective Services took him.

If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...

Wakanda Pokemon are you?

I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water...

Instagram.

What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius?

Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing?

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing?

He has a peekatyouuuu
Source:Am dad.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other.

The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Son of a birch

A birch tree and a beech tree were standing together in the forest when the noticed a small seedling growing nearby.

The birch tree says "ah, that's one of my children, a fine young birch!"

The beech tree says "no, that's clearly a beech, One of my many progeny."

They ask a pass...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

A young tree, curious about his lineage, asked an older tree, "Am I the son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The older tree replied, "I don't know, but your mom was the finest piece of ash in the forest!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods....

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

Two 81 year old women travelled the world

Two 81 year old women travelled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes.

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A traveling salesman is going door to door selling vaccum cleaners.

He goes up to one house, rings the bell and waits for an answer. The door opens and standing in front of him is a lil boy, who cannot be anymore than 7 years old. In one hand he's got a pint of beer and hanging out of his mouth is a lit cigar.

"Little boy, are your parents at home?" The sales...

What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?

Ash!

The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

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