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Dreams Jokes

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Dreams

An older couple are laying in bed one morning and the wife said “I had a dream I was in Walmart.”

The husband said, “I had a dream I was naked with three women.”

The wife asked, “Was I there?”

Husband replied, “No, you were in Walmart.”

I have decided to pursue my dreams…

… good night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

A joke I came up with in my dreams.. And it's dumb..

So, last night, in my sleep, I dreamt I was at a talkshow. They asked me to make up a joke for my entrance and this is what I came up with:

I wanted to walk through the curtain from backstage several times, each time struggling to get through and angrily calling the curtain an inconvenient. T...

Father's Dreams

son : Dad, do you have any dreams you want to accomplish?
dad : I gave up on my dreams years ago kiddo, but let's focus on yours
son : oh, but how many years ago exactly did you give up?

dad : well how old are you?

Teachers say that our dreams are the future

But they dont let us sleep in class

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

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The woman of my dreams

40 years ago, I asked the woman of my dreams out on a first date.

35 years ago, I asked her to marry me.

30 years ago, I asked if she would do me the honor of bearing our first child.

5 years ago, I asked her to hold my hand during her chemotherapy treatments.

And las...

Don't give up on your dreams...

Keep sleeping.

The Patient to the Doctor, every night I saw in my dreams

The patient to the Doctor: Every night I saw in my dreams horses and donkeys playing football.
Doctor:Don't worry, I give you some medicines, you will be fine.
Patient: Can I take medicines tomorrow.
Doctor: Why?
Patient: Tonight is their Final Match!

Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

Dreams.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to fin...

My gf told me she had a dream about me cheating.

It’s sweet of her to have dreams of me being happy.

What's the difference between dreams and memes?

I haven't given up on my memes yet

What is your dream job?

“Well , in my dreams, I don’t work “

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard dream catchers can catch your dreams,

is that why mine looks like a tight-knit spiraling butthole with white feather drip.


I'm no damn dirty hippie though, I only have it for Ass-thetic purposes.

Never give up on your dreams...

Stay in bed.

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his dreams

A black man with anemia finds a genie in a bottle and gets 3 wishes.

"I want to be white, have enough blood and wake up between the legs of a woman"

"Ok, wishes granted"

ZAPP

He wakes up as a tampon.

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other ...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.

So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to ...

An elevator powered by dreams

So you can sleep your way to the top

Do you ever wake up disappointed because you were eating something tasty in your dreams?

Stacey. Her name was Stacey.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

My girlfriend dreamed...

Yesterday my girlfriend dreamed that I was unfaithful, so I cheated on her because I want to fulfill all of her dreams.

My mom said to follow my dreams

So I went back to bed!

Sweet dreams

Three homeless men wake up beside eachother on a park bench. The man on the left exclaims, 'I've just had the most wonderful dream, I dreamt I was given a handjob by the most beautiful brunette!'. The man on the right, surpised, says, 'What a coincidence, I had a similar dream but in mine it was t...

I almost married the girl of my dreams.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring

"I wonder what it means," she said.

I smiled but said nothing and left for work.

That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.

She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How...

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dreams are like pictures...

Unless I’m in it or somebody is having sex, I don’t give a shit about yours.

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

A professor dreams that he steps on a rusty nail

After waking up, he puts a bandage on his foot. At work another professor notices the bandage and asks about it. After hearing the explanation he says: "That is exactly the kind of thing why normal folks think academic people are nutty. Why on earth did you go to sleep with bare feet?!"

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed ...

I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad.

She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

I got tired of chasing my dreams

I told them go where ever and I would meet up with them later.


\-Mitch Hedberg

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have all this by age 35:

- 6 figure passive income
- An empty calendar
- My forever home, paid off
- Vacation home in Maui
- 2 Teslas (S and X)
- Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

The job of your dreams

Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?

Do you want a corner office with windows?

Do you love to travel?


If so, then become a bus driver!

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

I met the woman of my dreams!

She's imaginary.

Never in my wildest dreams I thought that

I would wear a mask to bank and ask for money

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

If I meet the man of my dreams,

I hope he doesn't know about my dreams.

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

I Finally married the woman of my dreams...

And then I woke up.

Who says dreams don’t come true??

Have you ever peed in your dreams??

Sweet dreams

My father used to tell me that to have a good night's sleep, he must insult dairy products, but he always felt it wasn't his place to yell at cheeses.

I never questioned him until one day I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him why he felt that way

He looked me in the eye and said: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

What do you call a Tylenol with great dreams for the future?

Aspirin'

I'm tired of following my dreams

I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.




(I used to miss Mitch. I still do, but I used to too.)

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

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