UPJOKE
europechristchristianityjesusnew testamentmiddle eastamericascatholicismprotestantjewishasiabaptismeucharistincarnationheaven

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Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Guy dies and finds himself standing before Satan.

"Oh no! Am I in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Ahh, its not so bad. Let me show you around."

Satan takes the guy past a tennis court. "It's open 24-7. And over here is the 18 hole golf course, over there is the Olympic sized pool, and beyond that is the beach and marina, where you can take out...

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

Christians say "Jesus"

Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"

Christians go to church and have to pay tithings

But Atheism is a non prophet organization.

To Christians out there....

My tinder date said to me "I used to be Christian"...

I said to her, "Don't worry darling, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...

She replied "Thank God!"
"It's so much better now that I'm Christine".

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

What do Christians say before eating a salad ?

Lettuce pray

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

How do Christians like their steaks cooked?

"Well-done, good and faithful steward..."

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Do you know what Christians, Hindus and Muslims agree on?

Chicken are Fucking delicious.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

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If Christians, Catholics, Protestants (and the like) go to a church, Jews go to a Synagogue, and Muslims go to a Mosque, where do Pastafarians go?

A spaghetti meet.

How are Christians against piercings?

Didn’t Jesus have 4?

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

Why are christians bad at math?

Because they can’t sin.

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

Christians don't get angry.

They get cross.

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

What search engine do Christians use?

Ask Jeevus

I hate when I get heckled by Christians about my grammar.

Jesus, people suck.

Christians are always wearing a cross and hoping for Jesus to return.

Well, is the first thing you would want to see if you were Jesus is a cross?

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

What do Christians do when they have a surplus of thoughts and prayers?

They force schools to reopen.

Muslims, Christians, Monks, and Catholics died and went to heaven.

The Muslims approached God and God said, “room 421, but be quiet going past 419.” The Monks approached God and God said, “room 422, but be quiet going past 419.” The Christians approached God and God said, “room 421, but be quiet going past 419.” The Christians asked,” why quiet going past 419?” God...

Catholics and Christians have waited generations for Jesus' return. Little did they know that though he's been here all along.

Because he's brown

Christians only

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Sikh." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Buddhism."
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet ...

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Last night, my cousin rambled on about those 'goddamn Christians'...

"I mean, Jesus Christ, man.


My *God!*


HOLY HELL.


Lord have mercy!


They're everywhere! And so is their religion! Even *I* can't get a single thought out without mentioning- wait a second. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT."

I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

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