UPJOKE
bagdrawerhandbagbottlerefrigeratorbackpackpouchcontainersatchelbriefcasewalletrucksackknapsackcanisterjar

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One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

What do you call a plastic bag moving in the wind?

An American tumbleweed.

A loving husband of many years turns to his wife and says: “I have to be honest with you. In truth you’re like a plastic bag to me”

“You take my breath away.”

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ?

A baby in two plastic bags.

What's the difference between a plastic bag and Micheal Jackson?

One is made of plastic and a danger to children, the other holds your groceries.

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Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

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If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag..

Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.

Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom..

I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag...

He said it was already inside

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

The old lady's two plastic bags..

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in

awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Ou...

a man walks into a supermarket

He grabs a bag of dog food, and brings it to the checkout. The cashier says: "sorry, according to store policy you need to bring your pet with you if you want to buy food" The man, who doesn't have his dog with him walks away angrily.

The next day he comes back and takes a bag of cat food, o...

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

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Bob is the owner of a sawmill. He's away on vacation when he gets a call from his Foreman, Charlie....

"Bob," says Charlie, "Bad news. Carl had an accident. Poor bastard sawed his leg off.

Bob gasps. "That's terrible! Is he ok?"

"Oh he's fine!" Charlie reassures him. "We put his leg in a plastic bag, rushed him to the ER, they sewed it right back on , and he'll be back first thing in t...

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

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Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

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Shopping Habits

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on

..
..
Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around drinking beer and complaining about their owners...

The cat says "I'm sick of my owner making me shit in a box, it's degrading."

The dog says "That's nothing, do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to shit outside?"

The penis says "You guys both have it easy! My owner puts a plastic bag on me head and makes me do sit-ups 'till I pu...

A boy was cutting wood

A boy was cutting wood with an axe in the forest with his friend. He accidentally cuts off his leg. His friend wraps up the leg with a plastic bag and rushes him to the hospital. The doctor said ' hmm come back in 3 hours, i will have the leg reattached. So the friend came back in 3 hours, and he sa...

Three hillbillies are at work...

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast...

- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

Whats another name for a blowup doll.

Plastic bag

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

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A man is in his flat watching TV.

He suddenly hears someone is knocking the door. The man goes to the door, opens and sees another man that starts speaking very fast : hello sir, you are a winner of an awesome vacuum cleaner. You have won it in a lottery and all you have to do to claim this prize is to pay 299... Then the first man ...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

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A banana, a pickle, and a penis are sitting in a bar...

They are all bullshitting about their lives and how bad they each have it.

The banana pipes up and says "Man, my life really sucks. Ya know, when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on an ice cold ice cream sundae."

The pickle says "Ha! That's a laugh! I...

How come that someone donates one kidney and they're a hero,

but I bring 5 in a plastic bag and I get arrested.

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Irish Dad

Paddy found a small plastic bag in his teenage sons pocket.

The bag was full of a white powder.

He called his son Mick into his bedroom.

"Mick, what the fuck is this?"

Mick exclaimed "Da, am sorry! It's cocaine n a didn't mean to get into it! Anthony gave me it! It feels...

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

A farmer buys a combine harvester

He's accidentally chops his finger off one day, inspecting a blade.

So the wife bags the finger up and takes him to the hospital. The doctor looks at it and performs micro surgery which re-attaches it like brand new.

Some weeks later the farmer somehow gets his leg chopped off. Panicki...

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans...

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A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for Viagra

"Hey so I would like some Viagra, my wife's waiting at home"

"Alright sir, would you like a plastic bag with that?"

"Come on man, she's not THAT ugly"

What do you do when you're in a busy city and you need to take a huge dump?

First things first, you find a decent plastic bag asap.
Then, you need to takes your pants off and be in a squat.
Take the plastic bag.........




put it over your head so that people don't see your face.

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[NSFW] A pickle, a cucumber and a penis are having a discussion...

The cucumber says "I have it bad, when I get big and strong I get cut up into little pieces and put in salads." The pickle says "I have it worse, I start out as a cucumber and when I get big and strong I'm put into a jar of vinegar for ages then cut up and put in sandwiches." The penis says "I have ...

Ed and Tom's Butcher Shop

There were once two brothers, Ed and Tom. They owned a butcher shop together, with Tom in the front on the register and Ed in the back chopping meat.

One fine day, Ed is chopping meat in the back when he chops his finger right off. Ed screams:

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"...

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