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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again!

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

How does an uncreative Redditor get karma?

Piece of cake.

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What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all use gas lighting.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

What begins with a "W" and ends with a "T"

It really does!

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon double cheeseburger?

Only one if nobody is looking.

(This was told to me by a vegan.)

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym Toast Crunch

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

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Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces?

Boeing... Boeing

What does a tornado and a wife have in common?

They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head.

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

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What does a Japanese pirate say?

Nothing, he's too busy frying the prane.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

What does gum and a gun have in common?

Pull it out in class and everyone wants to be your friend

What does a dyslexic zombie say?

Brians

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed

What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

It goes back 4 Seconds!

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other .

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

How does the Hulk make extra money?

He flips cars.

How many nursing school professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to tell him while that is correct, it isn't the most correct.

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

How many leftists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes everyone.

Because we're stronger, together.

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

How does 2+2 =5 ?

By mistake

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

Where does baby corn come from...

If there is only Popcorn?

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

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What does pussy and the weather have in common?

Once it's wet it's time to come in.

Where does the one legged lady work?

Ihop!!

What does democracy and football have in common?

Adding the word American completely changes the meaning.

A good farmer is not just good at what he does

He’s the best in his field

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

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*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

Why does texas have no power?

Democrats stole the electrons.

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

What does olive taste like?

Ask Popeye.

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What does sucking dick and cycling have in common?

If you make a lifestyle out of it; it can be hard on the knees.

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

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What does a brothel and the American school system have in common?

The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.

Men of reddit, does sunset give you an erection?

Because morning would.

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What does costco and prostitutes have in common?

They both do wholesale

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What does a dildo and tofu have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Raw-Raw-Raw

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

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What does a Teletubby have after performing anal?

A stinky winky

Doctor: Does your migraine happen at regular frequency?

Me: Yes, it really hertz.

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

What sign does the brothel put up in its off hours?

Beat it, were closed.

What does it mean when lawyer is neck deep in s**t?

We run out of s**t

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

How does the pope pay his bills?

PaPal

What swims in the ocean and does math?

A octoplus

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11. One to put the bulb in the socket and ten to drink until the room spins.

What sound does a square chicken make?

"Block, block."

Where does a musician live?

They live in A♭

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Why does a duck have tail feathers...

To cover it's butt quack.

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

When does 1+1 = 3

When starting a family

Does your Dog bite?

A man walks in and sits at the Bar.
he looks around the room and notices a bloke sitting at the other end of the Bar with a massive dog sitting on the seat next to him.
He walks over and says "Jees, that's gotta be the biggest Dog I've ever seen" the bloke nods in agreement.
He then asks "...

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

Why does Feb get the leap day?

White months can't leap.

What kind of car does an electrician drive?

A volts-wagen

What language does a fish speak?

Finnish.

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

What does a Chestnut tree and an asylum have in common

They're both full of nuts

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

How does the blind skydiver know he’s about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Credit: My blind sister.)

Why does Greta Thunberg like r/memes?

Everything there is recycled

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What does a robot do after sex?

Screws, nuts and bolts

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

Where does a lizard go after it drops its tail?

To the retail store

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

How many hot young nursing home assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?

"For the last time, Mr. Anderson, you are NOT a lightbulb!"

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What does the 'L' in Samuel L. Jackson stand for?

Motherfucker.

[alternatively Le Motherfucker]

How does an alchemist please his wife?

Elixer

How does Michael J Fox make the best milkshake?

He can afford the finest ingredients of course.

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

How does a person with Phd in graphic designing save the dying person on the plane

As PDF

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

What does a nautical merchant do?

They sale

How does an old pirate say his age?

I’ Matey

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

How does a friend contact you when he gets lost at a Rave?

EDMs you

What noise does a Deer make?

Depends how fast you're going.

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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

What kind of cereal does a ghost eat?

**Boo Berry**

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A labra kadabra dor

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

How much action does a priest get?

Nun!

What does a judge wear to work?

A lawsuit

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

What does the electronic music ambassador have in front of their house?

A Diplo-mat.

How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim?

Inter-mitten fasting.

Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

A vegan pilot who does CrossFit walks into a bar.

Which one does he tell you about first?

What does an American do after going to the Capitol?

25 to life

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

What does a forklift and a woman have in common?

If you don't have one, you'll need to unload by hand.

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's family?

One Buck.

How many turns per second does Orwell make in his grave considering he was Jewish and a leftist?

Literally 1984

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What does Mozart do in his grave?

Decompose

What does a good book and an old dog have in common?

You can’t put it down.

Where does Swiss cheese come from, Robin?

Robin: Holey cows, Batman!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does having sex for the first time and snow have in common?

You don't know how many inches you'll get and how long it will last

A woman marries a man named Bert. What does Bert become?

Herbert

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

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