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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

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What do you get when you cross the cabbage patch doll and the pillsbury doe boy?

A ugly little bitch with a yeast infection

What does a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?

Wherever the fuck he wants.

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What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

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What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

How many Redditors does it take to tell one joke?

Just one. Unfortunately, they don’t know this.

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

Why does the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

What does the "f" in "orphan" stand for?

Family.

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

How many guitarists does it take to play Wonderwall?

Apparently, all of them.

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

How much does it cost Santa to park?

Nothing. It's on the house

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

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While in Ireland, where does an Englishman shit?

In the Lughbhaidh.

What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again

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How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?

Trespass.

What does a pyromaniac pirate call his son?

Arrrrr-son

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

What does Thor call his underpants

Thunderwear

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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

Why does r/Jokes love necrophilia?

Because some of these jokes should have been dead a long time ago.

How does the jewish man make tea?

Hebrews it.

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

if a fire hydrant has h2o on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

k9p

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What does your GF & a condom have in common?

If they are not on your dick, they are in your wallet.

What does a redditor say when he detonates a bank vault?

Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold.

How does a nonbinary ninja kill people?

They slash Them.

In what country does Humpty-Dumpty live?

Eggypt

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What does the mafia and pussy have in common

One slip of the tounge and your in deep shit

What does a necrophiliac get whenever he goes to a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What does a time traveler do when he wanted more dessert?

He goes back for seconds

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

How does a farmer gain the attention of a woman?

A tractor.

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

What does a turtle call his aunt?

Tort-tia

Why does Santa Claus have no kids?

He only comes during the holiday period

What does an iPhone thief and a prisoner have in common ?

They both face time.

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

What does the crime stoppers hot line and a gloryhole have in common?

The tips will always remain anonymous

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're pretty light.

How long does it take the Dutch to make eggs Benedict?

It takes Holland days!

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What does a 9-volt battery and an asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

What kind of car does Boba Fett drive?

A To-Yoda!!!

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

What does a woman have two of that a cow has four of?

Legs.

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

How many influencers does it take yo change a lightbulb?

One, but it will take 300 videos, over 10 hours and they will stop to comment every eight of a turn.

What’s the first thing an arborist does in an emergency?

Triage.

How many Billionaires does take it take to create a Vigilante?

Three.
Two to die and one to never get over it.

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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(NSFW) What does a shark call his dick?

Megladong

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What does a woman shopping and a woman having sex have in common?

They don’t finish.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

What noise does a quantum duck make?

Quark

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

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What does the behavioral psychologist say after sex?

That was great for you, but how was it for me?

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What does a confused hitler say?

What the heil is going on

A bartender yells “Does anyone know CPR?”

“Hell I know the whole alphabet!” I shouted.

The whole bar laughed except for one guy

Why Does the Norway Navy have Bar codes on the side of the ships?

So when they come back to the port they can 'Scandinavian'

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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What does a Pokemon say after too much sex?

Vulva sore

What website does Teal'c use to find a new job?

Indeed

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

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Why does Nicki Minaj like sitting on ferns?

Because she loves her butt in plants.

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

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What does a horny toad say?

Rubbit

What does a shipbuilder have in common with an Eskimo?

They both love a tight seal

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

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What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

How does a Pokemon trainer commit suicide?

Escape rope.

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What does Sean Connery reading you a bedtime story have in common with a gastrointestinal doctor?

"Are you shitting comfortably?"

How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags!

How many Redditors does it take to post a joke?

Two. One to come up with it and another to repost it.

Disclaimer: Definitely not a repost

What does a guy that likes to save money do when reaches the light at the end of the tunnel?

He turns it off

How does Frosty the Snowman get to work?

By Icicle.

Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Because her lipstick.

How long does an owl live?

About 6 1/2 books

How does a Jewish doctor get paid for delivering babies?

He just keeps the tips...


(We're all going to Hell anyway)

What does a fat american and a rich english have in common?

Lots of pounds.

Q. How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

A. Walking

jk, rolling.

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What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it the harder it gets

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

10

One to change the bulb and nine to make t shirts for the event.

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

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Final question on who wants to be a millionaire. Host: When your wife goes to sleep, what does she wear? 1. Under garments. 2. Pyjama suit. 3. She sleeps naked. 4. Something sexy.

Contestant: I would like to phone a friend.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!!! Daataa!!!

What does every woman want?

Nothing, they're fine.

Where does a rooster invest his money

In chicken stock!



Reposted for spelling

What does a monk say in the club?

Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha everywhere

What does a triangular prism and a three-headed horse have in common?

They both have three long faces

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How does a bird masturbate?

They wing it

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

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Does Gordon Ramsey wear a condom?

No. He prefers FUCKING RAW!

Why does yeast look so weird?

Because it’s inbread

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

What does a Jewish person do if they see someone choking?

They use the L'chaimlich maneuver

What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets?

Underlay! Underlay!

What does a jet pilot have in common with his plane?

They both blow a lot of hot air.

How does the headless horseman fix a flat tire?

With a pumpkin patch

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Cuz he only comes once a year

How many adhd kids does take to screw in a light bulb ?

Let's go ride our bikes

What does a beaver from Philly drink?

Wooder.

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What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are just for decoration

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