Utensil Jokes - 61 Hilarious Utensil Jokes

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

What do you call a singing kitchen utensil?

A spatu-laaaaaah

Teacher: what’s your favorite kitchen utensil?

Friend: my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house

He said it was a whisk worth taking

Of all kitchen utensils,

why did Judas choose to be tray?

What did the neckbeard say to the kitchen utensil?

M’Ladle!

What do you call barbecuing without utensils?

Pain-steaking

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

Spoons are the kindest eating utensils

When you wash them, they wash you back

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation?

**Pencil-vania!**

Where do writing utensils live?

Pencil-vanya

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

Two utensils are laying in bed...

One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"

The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."

I think I’m going to open a kitchen utensil store...

My parents think it’s stupid but I think it’s worth the whisk.

Utensils

Guy 1: "Hey, did you hear that Joe got knifed the other day?"

Guy 2: "That's forked up!"

Guy 1: *glares at Guy 2*

Guy 2: "What? Too spoon?*

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

I was mugged by a guy equipped with kitchen utensils.

I considered running, but it was a big whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get takeout and they give you 2 sets of utensils...

They're trying to tell you that your order is a meal for 2, fat-.

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?

A colander!

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

A whisk taker.

What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

I literally cant even write now

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road.

He stopped and pondered for a second.

...and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.

Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was Impressed...

Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

There once was a lady who lived in a yellow house...

Everything in the house was yellow, yellow bricks, a yellow walkway, yellow stairs, a yellow door, yellow walls, yellow ceilings, yellow floors, yellow furniture and yellow utensils.

One day, she walked into her yellow house through the yellow door, down the yellow hall and sat down in her y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…

A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.

She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas ...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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