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Utensil Jokes

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house

He said it was a whisk worth taking

Of all kitchen utensils,

why did Judas choose to be tray?

What did the neckbeard say to the kitchen utensil?

M’Ladle!

What do you call a singing kitchen utensil?

A spatu-laaaaaah

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Spoons are the kindest eating utensils

When you wash them, they wash you back

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

Teacher: what’s your favorite kitchen utensil?

Friend: my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation?

**Pencil-vania!**

I think I’m going to open a kitchen utensil store...

My parents think it’s stupid but I think it’s worth the whisk.

Where do writing utensils live?

Pencil-vanya

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

What do you call barbecuing without utensils?

Pain-steaking

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

Utensils

Guy 1: "Hey, did you hear that Joe got knifed the other day?"

Guy 2: "That's forked up!"

Guy 1: *glares at Guy 2*

Guy 2: "What? Too spoon?*

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

Two utensils are laying in bed...

One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"

The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?

A colander!

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

I was mugged by a guy equipped with kitchen utensils.

I considered running, but it was a big whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get takeout and they give you 2 sets of utensils...

They're trying to tell you that your order is a meal for 2, fat-ass.

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

A whisk taker.

What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

I literally cant even write now

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road.

He stopped and pondered for a second.

...and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.

Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, ...

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was Impressed...

Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant that is known for great service

After he sits down he notices that all of the servers have a spoon in their pocket, so he calls over a waitress and asks her why.

"Statistically speaking the spoon is the most likely utensil to be dropped, since we have one on us it speeds up the process of getting them a new one," replies th...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

There once was a lady who lived in a yellow house...

Everything in the house was yellow, yellow bricks, a yellow walkway, yellow stairs, a yellow door, yellow walls, yellow ceilings, yellow floors, yellow furniture and yellow utensils.

One day, she walked into her yellow house through the yellow door, down the yellow hall and sat down in her y...

A man is eating his soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

He waves the waiter over and tells him he dropped his spoon and would like a new one.

The waiter pulls a fresh spoon out of his apron pocket and hands it to the man.

The man, impressed, says he's never seen such fast service. The waiter replies by saying that statistics show that the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon (long joke)

A family is eating in a restaurant and as the waiter is refilling their drinks the dad drops his iced tea spoon. Not missing a beat the waiter puts a spoon back in his glass. Curious, he asks "how did you know I was going to drop it?" "I didn't. Studies show that the most dropped utensil is the spoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.

One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?

The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.

The costumer then a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spoon in the pocket

Heard this one at work today:

A married couple are sitting down at dinner when the waiter comes up to their table and asks what they would like to eat. The wife and the husband both order a soup, but before leaving the wife notices a spoon in the waiter's shirt pocket, and he walks away b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…

A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.

She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas ...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Restaurant Productivity Enhancer

A man gets seated at a restaurant and accidentally knocks a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The man is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?" The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waiter and the spoon

So a man decides to try out a new restaurant on his lunch break and decides to order the soup. Some time later the waiter brings the soup, and clumsily while he's eating he drops the spoon.

"Waiter, I dropped my spoon, could I trouble you for another?" The waiter, without hesitation, pull...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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