What did the neckbeard say to the kitchen utensil?

M’Ladle!

My wife warned me not to steal any kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Of all kitchen utensils,

why did Judas choose to be tray?

You may think I’m wrong for stealing kitchen utensils

...but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Spoons are the kindest eating utensils

When you wash them, they wash you back

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

My room mate said to stop using his utensils or he's going to move out...

It's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

What do you call a singing kitchen utensil?

A spatu-laaaaaah

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road.

He stopped and pondered for a second.

...and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.

Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.

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A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

I've always wanted to steal a huge kitchen utensil...

But I feel like I'd be taking a pretty big whisk.

I once stole a utensil from the kitchen where I worked..

I felt guilty but it was worth the whisk.

A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out.

He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more.
"We don't need anything," said the manager.


"Okay, but...that's the last straw."

Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

What do you call barbecuing without utensils?

Pain-steaking

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils..

..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?

A colander!

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When you get takeout and they give you 2 sets of utensils...

They're trying to tell you that your order is a meal for 2, fat-ass.

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

Two utensils are laying in bed...

One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"

The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

I was mugged by a guy equipped with kitchen utensils.

I considered running, but it was a big whisk.

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

Utensils

Guy 1: "Hey, did you hear that Joe got knifed the other day?"

Guy 2: "That's forked up!"

Guy 1: *glares at Guy 2*

Guy 2: "What? Too spoon?*

What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

I literally cant even write now

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

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The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…

A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.

She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas ...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

Room 39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.


\-The client: is room 39 empty?
\-The boss: yes, sir.
\-The client: can I book it?
\-The boss: of course you can.
\-The client: thank you.


Before going to th...

I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was Impressed...

Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

Goes to the store

A redditor goes to the utensil store and repeatedly says 'Wow, such empty'

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

Getting Annoyed

My friend has been getting on my nerves lately. Last night he stole the only remaining utensil I could have used to drink my water... that was the last straw.

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A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.

One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?

The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.

The costumer then a...

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, ...

There once was a lady who lived in a yellow house...

Everything in the house was yellow, yellow bricks, a yellow walkway, yellow stairs, a yellow door, yellow walls, yellow ceilings, yellow floors, yellow furniture and yellow utensils.

One day, she walked into her yellow house through the yellow door, down the yellow hall and sat down in her y...

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

A criminal was running away and a policeman was trying to draw his gun to shoot him.

However, he could not find a writing utensil.

A man is eating his soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

He waves the waiter over and tells him he dropped his spoon and would like a new one.

The waiter pulls a fresh spoon out of his apron pocket and hands it to the man.

The man, impressed, says he's never seen such fast service. The waiter replies by saying that statistics show that the s...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

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A man walks into a restaurant that is known for great service

After he sits down he notices that all of the servers have a spoon in their pocket, so he calls over a waitress and asks her why.

"Statistically speaking the spoon is the most likely utensil to be dropped, since we have one on us it speeds up the process of getting them a new one," replies th...

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Restaurant Productivity Enhancer

A man gets seated at a restaurant and accidentally knocks a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The man is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?" The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a...

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Spoon in the pocket

Heard this one at work today:

A married couple are sitting down at dinner when the waiter comes up to their table and asks what they would like to eat. The wife and the husband both order a soup, but before leaving the wife notices a spoon in the waiter's shirt pocket, and he walks away b...

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The waiter and the spoon

So a man decides to try out a new restaurant on his lunch break and decides to order the soup. Some time later the waiter brings the soup, and clumsily while he's eating he drops the spoon.

"Waiter, I dropped my spoon, could I trouble you for another?" The waiter, without hesitation, pull...

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The spoon (long joke)

A family is eating in a restaurant and as the waiter is refilling their drinks the dad drops his iced tea spoon. Not missing a beat the waiter puts a spoon back in his glass. Curious, he asks "how did you know I was going to drop it?" "I didn't. Studies show that the most dropped utensil is the spoo...

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