UPJOKE
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I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”

Dad: Records are….always a sound purchase.

Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album?

Yeah, it was a world record.

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I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was £19.99

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

My dad said that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be put in a record player.

It’s his vinyl request

Just made the most audio copies to ever fit on one vinyl disc.

It was a record record record!

I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that’s a record.

Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.

To be honest though I think they'd chafe less in cotton.

I was buying so many records my dad said you're not buying any more records and that's vinyl!

That was an awful joke - in fact scratch that

That was a lot of vinyl jokes, a record amount maybe

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”

He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”



- Tim Vine

You hear of the dyslexic Satanist?

They play their vinyl records forward.

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What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

What do you get when you cross an 80's pop star and a cheap floor covering?

Vinyl Ritchie.

So I go to for some careers advice...

"What do you want to do?" asked the advisor.

"I want to work in a record store", I replied.

"Is that your vinyl answer?"

I just broke the record for the world's longest scream

Honestly I can't remember why I bought that thing on vinyl in the first place.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,

A hipster already has it on Vinyl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Nazis love Vinyls?

Cause you can turn the tables from 45 to 33.

A guy is record shopping at a local music store…

and goes up to the clerk and says “I’m looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it.” Clerk says reluctantly, “I’m sorry the only styles we carry are children’s, Christian, classical, or folk.” The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, “You...

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

That’s it; I’ve given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that’s vinyl.

I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products.

She had clear vinyl on her furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, I have that vinyl at home.

The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records.

It's the vinyl countdown.

I opened a record/DJ store in Israel but it went out of business.

Maybe “The Vinyl Solution” wasn’t the best choice of name

I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

A man walks into a record store...

A man walks into a record store, looking confused. The owner approaches him:
"Hey, you seem a little lost. Can I show you where anything is?"
"Uh yes, actually.", the man replies, "I'm looking for some classical music, as I've never listened to it before."
"Oh, well we have a vast var...

Two blonde women renovating a house...

There are 2 blonde women that decide to buy and renovate a house. The 1st thing they decide is to replace the vinyl siding. So they're working away and the 1st is watching the other and notices that she takes nail out of her tool belt, looks at it, uses it to nail up the siding, takes another nail...

A girl wants to go to the concert...

She asked her dad for his permission, and he said, "no, but you can buy the album, and that's vinyl."

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