UPJOKE
cd-romdvdcd-rcd playerdiscmp3albumlasersonysongphilipsrecordingcandlestandard candlecassette

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

What do you call a drunk, dyslexic CD

Floppy diks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan Nick at the disc co

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today.

He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.

The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums.

Guess there’s no hot singles in my area.

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

What do you have if you have NaCl and NiCd?

A salt and battery.

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Last night I couldn't find the pizza cutter, so I used a Bryan Adam's CD.

It cuts like a knife.

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first.

It would be a disk race.

What's a pirate's favorite type of CD?

A CD-R

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

A woman pulls up to a car mechanic

Woman: my car keeps making horrible noises

Mechanic: have you tried removing that Maroon 5 CD?

Religious CD (NSFW)

My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.



Then hell broke loose....

I smashed a CD in half...

Bits flew everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mates Battlefield Galactica CD won't eject from my 320 GB duel processor PlayStation 4... NSFW

Okay now that all the women have skipped this post does anyone know any good porn websites?

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night.

The mime next door went nuts!

Why did the CD go to the hospital?

...it got burned

I lost my ABBA cd

Where did the disco?

Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

What CD is in Thanos' Walkman?

Disintegration by The Cure

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

I bought a CD of ice cream van music.

Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

I went to on vacation to Africa to get some local music and almonds.

My friend asked me "what country did you go to and what did you get?"

He got upset, when I answered

"Kenya, CD's, nuts"

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds

After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.

When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail...

When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40

A month later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2

So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon.

All I got was a blank CD.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

A Marine Biologist walks into a lab,

She shouts, “I think we found a way for cephalopods to discover fire!”
The other scientist asks, “how.”
She responds with a CD,
“By making them listen to my mixtape!”

I have the Quran on CD...

People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I fucked Up

This morning I put my dick inside the center hole of that CD with the picture of an old man and a house with balloons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing mor...

I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.

Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

My cat loves to step on my keyboard

Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbg
Ftgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT c
Bzzca v CD gen dmath

Took my car to the shop.

I kept hearing a high pitched shrieking noise. The mechanic found a Mariah Carey Christmas CD stuck in the CD player.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

Do you remember audio cassettes?

They had side A and B.

It was logical for it successor to be named CD.

A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."

The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickel...

Revenge

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When God created woman he gave her not 2 breasts but 3...

When the middle one got in the way God performed surgery,
The woman stood before God with the middle breast in hand,
Said "what do we do with the useless boob?"
And God created man.


I dont take credit. I heard it on a burned CD i found recently. Dont know the authors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

I bought Nickelback's greatest hits

And it was just a blank CD.

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"

Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

Not the best joke, but i did make it up myself.

Q: Why can you not hook two CD-ROM drives together to create a CD Writer?

A: Because two ROMs don't make a Write.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.