I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

I heard you lost your classical music CD.

But don’t worry. I got your Bach.

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

What's a pirates favorite CD?

A CD-R

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

What do you call a CD that got wet?

A floppy disc.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pansexual man named Nicolas who works in a CD store?

Pan Nick at the Disc Co.

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What does Hosier tell his crew when he needs more shirts, buttons and CDs?

*Make* me some *merch*!

The other night a played a blank CD on full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

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My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today.

He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.

Life before the computer:



Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse p...

I smashed a CD in half...

Bits flew everywhere.

That’s it; I’ve given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that’s vinyl.

Doesn't matter how many CDs you have...

Benz has Mercedes.

I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs......

...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well.

I lost my ABBA cd

Where did the disco?

All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.

Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

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My mates Battlefield Galactica CD won't eject from my 320 GB duel processor PlayStation 4... NSFW

Okay now that all the women have skipped this post does anyone know any good porn websites?

What CD is in Thanos' Walkman?

Disintegration by The Cure

Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

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My girlfriend said she likes tapes and CDs

So i taped my dick to her forehead so that she could see these........

































Nuts

Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs.

Oh well, no biggie.

Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest cd,

not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds

After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.

I was going to buy some classical music CDs...

But I was too baroque.

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There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works...

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?

In Iraq

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs.

I think I've got indiegestion.

I bought a CD of ice cream van music.

Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

I have the Quran on CD...

People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it.

Why was the man selling CDs at 12:30 a.m.?

Because his mixtape was to die for...

Do you remember audio cassettes?

They had side A and B.

It was logical for it successor to be named CD.

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail...

When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40

A month later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing mor...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

Confucious say Man walking down the street carrying a 5-disc CD changer...

…is either walking to or from the Salvation Army.

So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon.

All I got was a blank CD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

I've never been on top of trends, I guess

When everyone else was burning CDs, I was still burning books

A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."

The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickel...

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

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Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"

Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

Revenge

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says...

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition.

It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

I bought Nickelback's greatest hits

And it was just a blank CD.

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

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F#ck Fame

A guy goes into a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business....

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A bear and a rabbit walk through a forest

after walking for several hours they meet a fairy. The fairy says: „Each of you has three wishes, but be careful what you wish for, because i cant return them. The bear begins and says: „I wish every bear in this forest would be female, except me.“ wish granted. The rabbit then wishes for a red bicy...

Not the best joke, but i did make it up myself.

Q: Why can you not hook two CD-ROM drives together to create a CD Writer?

A: Because two ROMs don't make a Write.

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