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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone...

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

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Kids don't know how good they have it

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

What did the floppy disk say to the other floppy disk?

Wanna go out for a byte?

I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

What do some men love to thrust themselves into, again and again, day after day til its floppy and stretched out. Then wish they had a new tight one?

Socks. Goddamn but I love a new pair of socks.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

how did the Floppy drive turn into a Hard drive

...By a flash drive

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

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The girlfriend wanted to have sex racing down the highway. I couldn’t find the viagra...

So she settled for a floppy drive.

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I Just Gave My Computer Viagra

It went from having a floppy disk to having a hard drive.

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

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Why did the robot need viagra?

His disk was floppy.

There was a guy who had a wooden eye.

He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk.

While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men becau...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy h...

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What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

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Is your ass a computer?

Because I want to back it up to a 3 inch floppy.

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

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If a sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info and one ejaculation equals 15,875 GB of data, then why aren't we using sperm based hard drives?

Because once the data is released the hard drives revert to floppy dicks.

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LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet...

..let them pick the middle name. That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name. For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named

Peter "floppy-eared-princess" Smith

Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named

Freddy "Fuck-you-this-isn...

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

How did Micro-soft get it's name?

Because Bill Gates has a 3.5 inch floppy

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The dildo delivery truck

A mother is driving her car down the road with her young son in the back in his carseat.

A truck in front of her hits a big bump and out of the back flies an enormous thick floppy purple dildo that smacks into her windshield and flies off to the side.

"JESUS CHRIST" she yells and swerv...

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Costume Party

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is y...

So there's a family of rabbits on the side of the road...

Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Rabbit.
They're hopping across and BAM, a truck runs over Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.

Back on the other side, there's a family of skunks. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Skunk.
They go waddling across the road and BAM, a truck runs offer Mommy and Daddy, but...

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