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Apocalypse Jokes

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.
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I make apocalypse jokes...

Like there's no tomorrow
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I told my wife "When the apocalypse comes, I'll be eating human flesh to survive".

"You shitting me?!" She asked.

"i might be" I replied.

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.
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How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three.

War never changes.

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whats the sexyist thing about the apocalypse?

Dem-ise

Apparently I have catastrophically misunderstood what "apocalypse" means all this time. Oh well.

It's not the end of the world.
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Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse.

They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.
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I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh
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So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world
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When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.
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Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?

The living room.
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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis. (Kind of long)

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the...

3 Guy Talking About the Zombie Apocalypse

These 3 guys are driving on the highway at night, and begin having a conversation about what they would do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse .

The guy in the passenger seat says, "I quit smoking years ago, so I make sure I keep a cigarette hidden in my trunk. I would re...
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If the Zombie apocalypse ever happens...

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills.

I should be fine.
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My teacher asked me, "What is the meaning of Apocalypse"..

I didn't know what it meant, and she got really angry. I mean come one, it's not like it's the end of the world.
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It was time for the day of revelations. The Apocalypse.

The Lord said, "IS ALL IN PREPERATION?"

And his angels said, "Yes, oh, Alpha and Omega! Shall we break the seals?"

And the Lord said, "LET IT BE DONE."

Conquest, War, Famine and Death were then unleashed. As one, they asked in their terrible voices: "Shall we unleash the final ...

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants
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what kind of apocalypse would be best for the economy?

A zombie apocalypse, because zombies are great consumers!
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You know why there’s Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse?

Because they can't afford any gasoline!

What do you call a redneck apocalypse?

Armagit-r-done
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If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)
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What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.
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Apocalypse

Apocalypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spear...

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?
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Why will school nurses be valuable during the apocalypse?

They have all the ice.
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During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...
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What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative
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"The Apocalypse has been delayed!"

Shouted the angel with the trumpet.

"Why?" I asked.

"There's some little guy up there telling a story about an elephant, and God can't stop laughing."
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Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies
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What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon
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Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.
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As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
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After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany,

"Kindergarten" takes on a new, darker meaning.
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A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...
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Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny
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Canadian zombie apocalypse

A man is in Toronto and there's nothing but havoc. People are eating eachother alive, people are running scared and others are transforming infront of their eyes. He notices a man lurching over beside him before puking blood in his face, and he tells him, "I...want...to eat...your brains!!" He cries...
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Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do you call paraplegics in a post-apocalypse?

meals on wheels
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The apocalypse is coming!

So all animals gathered and decided, that since they were all gona die, why not have one huge orgy. The orgy began and at some point the female giraffe asked the elephant if he wants to fuck her, to which he quickly agreed and started screwing her. Few moments later the giraffe turned around and sai...

Why aren't Hungarians worried about the prospect of starving in a Zombie apocalypse?

Well there will always be Ghoul hash.
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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

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Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...
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[Request] Apocalypse jokes

I want as many apocalypse jokes as you can give me. Good, bad, ugly, I'll take any and all of them. Thank you :)
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A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…
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Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God dammit stop pushing me Carl!

(I agai...
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Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)

God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.
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Continue the phrase: Sex is like...

Reddit: an apocalypse because it never happened.

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...
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I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."
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What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?

The "My Yen" Apocalypse

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Honestly, everyone can get fucked...

So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means?

It's not the end of the world!

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