I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

I make apocalypse jokes...

Like there's no tomorrow

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

What do you call a redneck apocalypse?

Armagit-r-done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife "When the apocalypse comes, I'll be eating human flesh to survive".

"You shitting me?!" She asked.

"i might be" I replied.

So what if I don't know what's an apocalypse?

It's not the end of the world

What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

My teacher asked me, "What is the meaning of Apocalypse"..

I didn't know what it meant, and she got really angry. I mean come one, it's not like it's the end of the world.

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three.

War never changes.

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

"The Apocalypse has been delayed!"

Shouted the angel with the trumpet.

"Why?" I asked.

"There's some little guy up there telling a story about an elephant, and God can't stop laughing."

Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?

The living room.

Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God dammit stop pushing me Carl!

(I agai...

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

What do you call paraplegics in a post-apocalypse?

meals on wheels

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

I told my friend that he would probably survive a zombie apocalypse.

Only the dumbest zombies go for Brians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apocalypse

Apocalypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spear...

Zombie Apocalypse has begun...

Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

Some people are scared of the apocalypse but I’m not to worried

I mean it wouldn’t be the end of the world

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

If the Zombie apocalypse ever happens...

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills.

I should be fine.

After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany,

"Kindergarten" takes on a new, darker meaning.

FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!

Please for the love of god i just wana live four more years before the apocalypse starts

Canadian zombie apocalypse

A man is in Toronto and there's nothing but havoc. People are eating eachother alive, people are running scared and others are transforming infront of their eyes. He notices a man lurching over beside him before puking blood in his face, and he tells him, "I...want...to eat...your brains!!" He cries...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The apocalypse is coming!

So all animals gathered and decided, that since they were all gona die, why not have one huge orgy. The orgy began and at some point the female giraffe asked the elephant if he wants to fuck her, to which he quickly agreed and started screwing her. Few moments later the giraffe turned around and sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

[Request] Apocalypse jokes

I want as many apocalypse jokes as you can give me. Good, bad, ugly, I'll take any and all of them. Thank you :)

I wrote a book.

It's called *Preparing Your Pets for the Apocalypse, and Other Fun Recipies*

Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)

God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

What is the name of the phenomenon where the Sun is between the Earth and the Moon?

Apocalypse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honestly, everyone can get fucked...

So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means?

It's not the end of the world!

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

Don't worry, God will save me...

Said the man to the policeman.
"Suit yourself," the cop said, "it's the apocalypse."
A little while later, a bus comes up to the man.
"Get in, we'll save you!"
"Don't worry," the man said, "God will save me."
"Suit yourself," they said, "it's the apocalypse."
The man went up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?

The "My Yen" Apocalypse

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