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Bad Luck Jokes

Bad luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

'You know what? You have been with ...

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

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Years of bad luck

A cocktail glass states, "If you break me, you'll receive 1 year of bad luck".

A mirror replied, "Yeah, well if you break me, you'll receive 7 years of bad luck".

Condom "HA HA HA HA"

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

What’s the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?

Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.


Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.

A guy with bad luck goes fishing and catches a golden fish

This might work better at /r/dadjokes since my dad told me this one but what the hell

So the fish says to him that he would usually get 3 wishes,but since he has such bad luck he gets one, so he starts thinking about what to wish for and he says to the fish: "I wanna be a prince!" and the fis...

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Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

Bad Luck

I think my luck is getting worse.

I was mugged by a Quaker.

They say opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck,

but I think if it's raining indoors you've probably already had some bad luck.

Haven't seen this on here before and it made me chuckle so here.
credit Jimmy Carr

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you are a mouse.

I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over...

I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.

Bad luck Steve Irwin.

Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays.

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

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NSFW. During a recent run of bad luck, I saw a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs, and thought..

it’s just one fucking thing after another.

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

A beer bottle, a mirror, and ... something else.

The beer bottle is bragging "If you break me, you get a whole year of bad luck!"

"That's pathetic." says the mirror. "If you break me, you get seven whole years of bad luck!"

A condom looks at the beer bottle and the mirror. At first he says nothing. Then he begins to snicker. Then he...

I know it's just bad luck that what I post never reaches the front page.

After all, I've definitely seen it there before.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

Santa's bad luck day OR The birth of a Christmas tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, ...

Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :(

Talk about explosive diarrhea.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

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Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside

Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt

Wife: I know!

Husband: through every illness

Wife: yes

Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong

Wife: of course

Husband: I think...

Wife: tell me

Husband: I think you are bad luck

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

Luck with the age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.


Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"


A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"


He walk...

A beer bottle sits down next to a mirror.

A beer bottle starts talking to the mirror.

"If you break me, you'll get 1 year of bad luck!"

The mirror replies, "Are you kidding? thats nothing, with me you get 7 years of bad luck!"

Then they hear a bunch of laughter from behind them. Turning around, they find themselves loo...

I bought a talking mirror

And I asked "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

And the mirror answers "Move your ass, fatso, I can't see a thing!"

Now I gotta deal with 7 years of bad luck.

What starts with two i‘s and ends with an i and an r?

A pirate with bad luck

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.

Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.

You shouldn't be superstitious about Friday the 13th

It brings bad luck.

A board boy sitting in restaurant and taking drinks.

Oneday, Jimmy was bored sitting in a restaurant in front of a Pepsi bottle.


Just later his friend Jekko came and drink the Pepsi.


He said, hello you so board, why?


Jimmy said, bad luck today. In the morning my girlfriend broke relationship with me unknown reason.
...

In the Human Resources Department

The Manager has a big pile of applications on his desk.

He picks up the first 20 of them and throws them into the bin, saying
"Those guys have bad luck and we have no use for people with bad luck"

A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!

Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by b...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

A husband was dying

Larry was in his deathbed and his faithful wife, Jane, was beside him, witnessing her husband's last moments.

Larry looked at her and struggled to get his last words out.

"Jane, you were always with me in bad times: when I lost my entire fortune when the stocks crashed; when I had to a...

I have a problem- I can't stop cursing.

Whenever the most minor inconvenience happens to me, I just blurt out things like, "Bad luck upon your family for seven days."

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

Do you believe in superstition?

I think it's bad luck to believe in superstition.

Good day folks!

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

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Henry and Janet are about to get married

When Henry arrives at the church, he has a big smile on his face. His best man asks him why he's so happy, and he says "I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but Janet came over this morning and gave me the best blowjob of my life!"

When Janet arrives at the church, she's...

A man is on his deathbed...

A man is on his deathbed. As he lies sick on the bed, he calls his wife over to him.

"Sarah... Sarah. We have been married for 26 years... Isn't that right Sarah?"

"Of course John. We have," Sarah replies.

"When I was hit by the truck when we first started dating," John says, "Y...

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend

Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents.

When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say,

"Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore...

40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.

So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.

He saw a beautiful woma...

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A Holesome tale between 4 friends

4 men are playing golf together on a Sunday afternoon. One American, one French, one Spanish and one Japanese.

The French man goes first. He misses his first shot, but puts it in the second.

"Bon tir!" shouts the American.
"Merci!" comes the reply.

Next is the Spanish man. He...

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So Johnny has a gaming system, and he liked to play a certain fighting game...

But his TV was very old, and whenever he attacked, there would be lines across the screen of the TV.

Johnny sent the TV in for repair, and was excited when he got it back. Although, still, the problem persisted.

So Johnny bought another copy of the game, thinking that the problem might...

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

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A tour bus full of seniors is on its way to Las Vegas

Halfway through the trip, mr Johnson ventures off to the bathroom to take care of some business. As bad luck would have it, the bus hits a huge pothole, and poor mr Johnson falls right out the door and into the aisle with his pants around his ankles, next to Mabel and Dorothy. Mabel had a stroke,...

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

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TIL seagulls are not the only birds to poop in-flight

I just read about the great Foo birds of Bolivia. If they hit you, it is considered bad luck to remove the feces until it dries. Roughly translated, the custom is "If the Foo shits, wear it".

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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

The guy who wanted to have a threesome with a mother and daughter

There was this guy who had not got laid for sometime and so he went to a bar to get a girl to get laid with. His bad luck there werent many girls that night and the few who were there had a guy talking with them. Then he noticed a mature woman sitting all alone having a drink. Sure she was old but s...

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