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So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

Whats the difference between a "hole in a boat" and a "hole in a bathroom stall"?

One is a "Man, that sucks" situation


The other is a "Sucks that man" situation.

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I found a phone in the toilet stall

I found a phone in the toilet stall at work...

I guess I'm not the only one who leaves shit in the bathroom.

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

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Found in a bathroom stall...

I hate to shock you on the throne,

But you're not in this stall alone,

There's no use standing on the seat,

The crabs in here can jump six feet,

Now you might think that's pretty high,

But in the next stall, the bastards fly.

Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not"

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Three Men are in a plane

But unfortunately the engine stalled and they crashed on an uncharted island. They survive, but immediately are captured by natives. As they sit in their bamboo cage, the chief walks up to them and gives them a deal: join them or die.

The first guy feels he has something to live for, so the c...

I saw two high school boys go into a bathroom stall together

before juuling, that would have meant something entirely different

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

The Apple iCar production has stalled

There’s been a lack of Jobs

I am at my local police station

and I just heard that someone stole their toilet now they have nothing to go on. To make matters worse someone made a glory hole in the wall of a stall they are waiting by it for anonymous tips. On top of that in their women's room they found a peephole, they are still looking into it.

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

Two jockeys sitting in the stalls before a race. Jockey 1 says to jockey 2 "I'm so good at this jockey game that I gave this thorough-bread a spliff to smoke before the race. And I'm still going to win."

Jockey 2 says "get off your high horse".

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

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There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend.

There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend. All his songs had no words but they all had names that were extremely rude. The restaurant manager found out their names but told him not to tell them to anyone because he was a very good piano player.

One night he was p...

cursed bathroom story

A man is in a bathroom stall, when he hears a voice next to him.

Voice: How are you?

Man: Pretty good, how about you?

Voice: What are you doing?

Man: You know, just using the restroom, yourself?

Voice: I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the sta...

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A priest walks into a bar

And asks the bartender if he can use the bathroom the bartender says of course father it’s right over there the priest says thank you and enters the bathroom about ten minutes later the priest comes out of the bathroom and says to the bartender I’m so sorry sir but do you have a plunger I accidental...

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I encountered my clone in a bathroom stall.

I said, "You've gotta be shitting me."

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This bloke was in the street with a stall selling balaclavas.

"Balaclavas! Get your balaclavas!" he shouted. "Ladies and gentlemen, get your balaclavas!"

So I walked up to him and said, "I'm a cop."

He said, "Would you like a balaclava?"

I said, "You didn't hear me right. I'm a cop."

"Yes," he said. "But I supposed you might want to...

I was in a car accident

wasn't my fault the driver in front car stalled, as we were both getting out of our cars I realized he was a dwarf. He walked over to assess the damage, shuck his head and said, I'm not happy, to which I replied well then which one are you?

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...

A guy is late for an important meeting.

A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to...

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall...

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What do you call Sean Connery inside a toilet stall without any toilet paper?

"A Shituation."

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Three men are using the bathroom at a bar.

The first man flushes and steps out of the stall, and says "My parent's were amish, so I only ever use two squares when I wipe my ass."

The second man flushes and meets him in the hall. "My parents were hippies. At burning man they used to get away with one."

The third man finishes, an...

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

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Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

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TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

My dad asked why I always sit down in stalls to pee

I angrily retorted "I'm looking through Reddit", pulled up my zipper, and walked out of the stall.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Are you a manual transmission?

Because you sure love to stall!

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I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump's inauguration...

...it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down.

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

A guy named Hugh noticed some monks in front of his house

The monks were selling flowers in a stall. Hugh didn't want them operating a business on his property, so he forced them to stop. One monk who was interviewed later by the media said, "Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it. But unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist fria...

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A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."

"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.

"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.

The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."

"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

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A large white bear walked into a bar, laughed, made out with the hottest girl, broke down sobbing, and had sex with a guy in the bathroom stall. A customer asked the bartender "Sheesh, what's his problem?"

"Bipolar"

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A dude is sitting in a public restroom stall, groaning and suffering from constipation...

when he hears another dude rush into another stall, followed by some very loud unloading.

"I'm so jealous of you" said the first dude. The other dude answers,

"Fuck you I haven't pulled down my pants yet."

"My wife has a stall on the beach..."

"My wife has a stall on the beach where you can buy flags of any country"



"Does she sell Seychelles by the sea shore?"

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I'm always intimidated when I notice the bathroom stall I'm in is tagged by a gang.

Scares the shit out of me

One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall...

... I'm worried that it was stollen.

What did the CIA say to the clock that would only say, "Tick, tick, tick?"

Stop stalling. We have ways to make you tock!

What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

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So, I'm in the stall of a public bathroom...

...And this guy comes in. First thing he does is belch extremely loudly. Twice. Walks to the urinal, starts obnoxiously banging his fist on the wall; I guess trying to make some sort of shitty beat. Farts, finishes, and leaves. No washing his hands or anything. All I can think is "Wow, I don't under...

A couple went to the county fair.

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. "I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20." She replied "20 dollars is 20 dollars."
He nodded sagely and they went home.

Ne...

My SO and I went out on a boat with her parents. Midway thru the trip the engine started stalling...

My girlfriend, trying to be cute, says, "Dad can't you just do stuff right?! Dad looks her straight in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "If I did things 'right' you wouldn't be here."

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

If a company's most valuable resource is it's people....

.... how come the employees aren't locked up,
but the toilet paper is secured in a reinforced steel lock box, bolted to the stall?

Held up at gunpoint, Murderer asks if I have any last words

Murderer: “Well, what are they?”

Me: “Um, it’s a bit embarrassing”

Murderer: “Just spit it out, you’re about to be dead anyway”

Me: “Alright then. I’ve lived my life without a family, without a wife, and without any love. I have a good job, stable income, and even recently bough...

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

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A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

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What is another name for the disabled stall in a restroom?

A handicrapped zone.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

Stranger: hello

Me: hello

Stranger: mind if I come over?

Me: that's a little inappropriate.

Stranger: hold on, some guy in the stall next to me won't shut up.

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

Women are like bathrooms stalls....

....they're all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

A man is sitting in a bar alone...

...after a few beers he needs to visit the restroom.

The restroom is empty except for one man by the urinal (one of those big stainless steel urinals without stalls).

The man walks over to the urinal and starts unzipping his pants.

He glances over at the other man and notices th...

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”



“No,” replies the man.



“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.



“Nope,” the second man replies.



After a moment of silence, the fir...

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple ...

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

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A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the ...

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Every year John entered the state lottery hoping to win....

..but he never did. Finally he prayed vigorously and hoping for God's message, he walked around the town fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was bare bottomed and had 7 written on each of her butt cheeks .

He bet on 77 as...

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A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

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A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom...

When suddenly, he hears "Hello" from the next stall,

He replies "Hello?"

Another question follows up "How are you?"

Still confused, he replies "Fine, thanks"

"What are you doing?"

"Um, I'm in a toilet, what do you think?"

After a brief second, there's anothe...

A man is selling bananas at the market

One woman comes up to his stall and says 'I want bananas that are short and thick'. The seller gives her bananas she asks for.

Another woman comes up and says 'I want bananas that are long and slim'. He gives her what she wants.

Then a man comes up to the stall. The vendor asks him 'Wh...

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

Phill and Lawrence go for a stroll (long)

Phil and his tall friend Lawrence were walking down the street to work when an old woman behind a market stall waved them over.

"Please could you buy my fresh bread, I need the money to pay the bills" exclaimed the woman wearing tattered clothing

Since Phil and Lawrence are upstanding ...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

Intimate bathroom conversation . . .

I was in a men's room and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall.

He said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed I said, “I am doing fine.”

The voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From the next stall came, “Can I...

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96-year-old man goes to the men’s room...

A 96-year-old man goes into the men’s room.

He looks at the stall, he looks at the urinal. He looks back at the stall, looks back at the urinal.

He walks over to the urinal, takes out his pecker, and promptly shits his pants.

He looks up and says, “I gambled. I lost.”

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So I was at a festival with a load of stalls. I was busy deciding what to spend my only £1 on when I spotted something which really caught my eye 'Get punched by Chuck Norris for just 95p'. I'd struck gold! So, I headed over to this stall expecting a large queue. However, the only person there was C...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

Sin City

A penguin was driving through the desert, headed for Las Vegas, when his car started to overheat and stall. As he crested the next hill he was relieved to see a service station and he pulled in. The mechanic said "there's a couple of people ahead of you, and there's a diner across the road. Leave th...

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So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place.

He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, and make a nice chicken stew for dinner. On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. The woman at the box office sees the chicken ...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy


"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caug...

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Two military recruiters enter the bathroom

They both have to piss and get into their stalls. The marine recruiter finishes first and starts to walk to the mirror to check his gig line.

As the Navy recruiter finishes and starts washing his hands he turns to the marine and says, "ln the Navy they teach us how to wash our hands. "
...

A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

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So I was whacking off in a public bathroom...

so i was whacking off in a public bathroom

and i accidentally ejaculated on the guy in the next stall's shoe


_Talk about getting off on the wrong foot!_

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

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