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Demanding Jokes

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

Actresses working with Tarantino have described him as a very demanding director, with whom it took effort to set proper boundaries.

"You know how it goes", they said. "You give him an inch, and he takes a foot".

In my family, we have a special word for a drunk guy who bangs on your front door at 3am demanding to be let in.

Dad.

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A friend guilt-tripped me into spending the Saturday helping out with various tasks on his property, even though I'd prefer to relax after a demanding week.

While chopping wood, I got careless with the axe and dented his car.

My friend suspected that since I was clearly annoyed with him, I'd dented the car on purpose.

But in my opinion, it should be obvious to everyone that it was an axy-dent.

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A dozen Nazis walked into a bar, demanding shots

Luckily the bartender had an AK-47.

This Spanish man on my lawn is so demanding

I keep giving him blankets to sit on and all he will say in response is 'grassy ass'

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

Trump Supporters are demanding to join the LGBTQ+ community.

They say they identify as Non-Bidenary

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

I slammed €1,000 down on the bookies counter demanding to put it all on A2Z at 26/1

It was a real alpha bet.

(I don't care if it's terrible, I made myself laugh with it)

My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.

The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy...

Man walks into a bar to find the man who slept with his daughter (SFW)

Man walks into a bar with a 4 six shooters and a double barrel demanding to know who slept with his daughter.

Father: WHICH ONE OF YOU SONS OF B*TCHS SLEPT WITH MY LITTLE DARLING GIRL!

Bartender: Sir you ain't got enough bullets

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

A big porcelain basin was demanding entry to our house.

Let that sink in.

There's nothing worse than a bunch of demanding bodybuilders

They always have to get their whey

A man walks into a bank demanding small change

After a small wait, he walks up to the teller and says: "Hello, I would like some change please." To which the teller replies, "Sorry sir we don't deal in change any more all our money is virtual, if you want cash we recommend you go somewhere else, apologies for any inconveniences." The man, adaman...

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I returned home to see a black man in my living room demanding money

My roommate always likes to collect rent on schedule

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My wife overheard me having phone sex yesterday. She stormed into the room demanding answers

I told her it wasn’t anyone she knew but it was SiriOS.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

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A trucker walks into a bar demanding 2 beers...

he takes the first one, gargles and spit it back in the glass, then starts spitting on the ground. This goes on for about 10 minutes, till the barkeeper asks him "Buddy are you ok?". "Yeah" he replied "I just drove my truck in a ditch and some european asshole with his Audi A6 came along asking me i...

My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

I heard on the radio that protestors in Beijing are demanding authentic democratic reforms.

Unfortunately, all they can get is cheap Chinese knockoffs.

Jamaica is demanding compensation from the UK for our involvement in the slave trade!

Shocking, we already paid for them once!

Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien

I come in peace.

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point...

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A man walks into a bar...

... With a stork and a cat, he sits at the bar and orders a drink, the cat chimes in and says "double whiskey, but I'm not paying" the barman serves the drinks and tells the guy "£12.50 please mate" the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change without looking, hands it over and takes a...

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

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