UPJOKE
demanddeadlinesurrendertrucerefusaldemandsexpulsionmandaterequestpledgeinsistencedecreevowassurancessummons

Ultimatum Jokes

My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.

"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.

"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.

"It's either me or the pub," she said.

I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...

My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today

She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.

I responded, "Well, there's the door."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

Ultimatum

Vladimir Putin gave Great Britain 24 hours to explain the death of Stephen Hawking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE ULTIMATUM

A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man wants to go fishing

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”

The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”

So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”

The wife chooses a blowjob..
...

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It’s either MCU memes or her.

I was shocked, all I could get out was “I’m sorry, little one.”

Jack loved cake...

Jack loved cake so much that every morning he would drive to the local bakery to get a piece.

Jack was married to Edith who did not like cake. She also didn't like how fat Jack was getting. Worried for his health, Edith eventually gave an ultimatum. Jack either had to give up the cake or she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier immediately agreed, he was fucked and freed. American soldier tho...

One thing I can't stand in a relationship.

The thing I can't stand in a relationship are ultimatums. It's no ultimatums or we're over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman asks her husband to fix the router

He replies "im no technician"

The next day, the tv broke, and again he tells her "im no electrician"

The third day, the power went out, so her husband tells her to call an electrician. When the husband returns home, the lights are all on, the tv works, the wifi is faster than before....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

guy just got out of prison

And he's talking about his first night there with a buddy. He was assigned a cell on the third tier balcony, with a 300 lb muscle head. So he says his new cell mate gave him an ultimatum: have sex, or jump off the blacony.

His buddy then asks, "so did you jump? "

He answers, "just a ...

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walk

Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of ...

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

A husband forgot his wife's anniversary...

So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

Speeding Ticket

A cop has pulled a man over for going 150 in a 60. Guy had a nice sports car and wanted to test it out, then tried to shake the cop when he saw he was being pulled over. As a lover of old sports cars, and being tired, the cop gave him an ultimatum.

"Look, it's the end of my shift. I'm read...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk guy comes home to his wife [long]

His wife offers him an ultimatum - "You come home in a mess again, and I'm leaving you".

The next day, the guy bumps into a friend, they end up in a pub. The man gets shit-faced and vomits all over himself.

"Shit" the guys says. "If I go home like this my wife will leave me"

"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young men were hitchhiking across the country

When they came across a farm. Being extremely hungry they decide to raid the famers feilds. A short time later the farmer sees them and grabs his shot gun, then runs out to confront them. He rounds them all up and yells at them for a bit, then tells each of them that they can each pick only one p...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it.

John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket.

His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, "John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."

John nods his he...

Juan Joke (Really Long)

There's a man named Juan. He's a good man, he doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, doesn't beat the armadillo in his yard, he's kind to his neighbours and he takes care of his mother. He goes to work one day and his boss says, "Juan, I know that you're a good man, you don't beat your wife,...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.