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Daylights Jokes

A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight

She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ...

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So I went to a party with a friend last night... NSFW

The host of the party was this really cute chick named Annie who was flirting with me pretty hardcore. She tells me she would like to go outside but says first I have to get her wheelchair... oh shit she's a paraplegic. I wasn't about to let that stop me so I help her into her chair and we go out ba...

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

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Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."

Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."

"Sure.", says Wat...

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Foul mouthed parrot

Every day, when Barry is on his way to work, he walks by this building. On the balcony of the 2nd floor there’s a parrot in a cage that screams obscenities at him every time he walks by.

‘Hey, fuck you!’
‘You ugly motherfucker’
‘I fucked your mother last night and the bitch had a fat a...

How do you make a child fall asleep at night?

You scare the living daylights outta them.

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Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

Why is the moon so dark?

Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

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