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Dated Jokes

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.


I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

I dated a blind girl once...

I thought she was cheating on me. What a relief it was to find out the truth! Turned out she wasn't seeing anybody.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

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I dated a girl who’s kink was to freeze my erect penis before having sex.

We eventually broke it off.

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

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I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

I dated a lawyer once

Makes sense.
She had a reputation for settling

I once dated a girl from Tunisia

Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags

A girl I dated made fun of me for being colorblind

That's a huge grey flag for me!

I once dated a pediatrician.

We always fought, eventually, I had to break up with her.
That woman just had very little patients.

Why did none of the women King Midas dated want to marry him?

They got gold feet.

I dated a zombie a long time ago

When we broke up, she fell apart

I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!

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A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

I dated Madonna before she was famous.

Back then she was a prima donna.

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

My grandpa once told me he dated Marie Curie.

He was attracted to her glowing spirit and radiant personality.

Sadly, their relationship became toxic.

I once dated a HTML student that liked foreplay.

She always put head first.

I dated a guy with crossed eyes once

We broke up cause we didnt see eye to eye and i was worried he was seeing someone on the side

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

I once dated a girl just for her internet connection

She was wifi material.

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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

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A man once dated a woman with a twin...

The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse to leave the room and a minute or two...

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

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I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.


My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'


I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

My college girlfriend had never slept with a guy on the spectrum before she dated me.

So I guess I took her neurodiverginity.

Have you ever dated someone with a high-pitched voice?

They're nothing but treble.

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

I dated a mime in college

Hand jobs were the worst.

Dated my first girlfriend today!

Her father beat me and took away my branding irons.

Dated a Greek god, now I have cold sores

Thanks a lot, Herpules

What is the best age a woman can be dated?

26+ Cause then you don't have to worry about Leonardo DiCaprio stealing your girlfriend.

I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird...

Dozen tit?

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