UPJOKE
slywilycunningcraftytricksytrickyfoxyslickdangerousunsafegrubbyriskydishonestunsavorydisreputable

Dodgy Jokes

There's a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.

He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One died due to a dodgy tikka and the others in hospital in a Korma.

What do you call a dodgy Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto.

Police have just received info about a dodgy doctor performing dangerous circumcisions

There must have been a tip off

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

A nuclear scientist sent me a dodgy email

I've heard about this fission scam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I bought some dodgy steroids last week and I grew another penis"

"Anabolic?"

"No, just the penis"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Attack dog

A couple living in a dodgy neighborhood agree to get a mean-looking dog for protection. The wife goes to a breeder and tells him what she needs. He points to a tiny, chiuaua-like dog and says "Ma'am, that's the meanest one we have." She obviously doesn't believe him so he says "Attack dog, the fence...

I bought a 2nd hand car

I bought a 2nd hand car from a dodgy garage and when i drove it i couldn't hear a thing.
Apparently I'd bought a deaf trap.

I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...

Constable: I saw a guy driving a Charger, a Challenger, and a Viper in the same day

Sergeant: Hmm, seems a bit dodgy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar in Manchester

He orders a drink and sits down on a barstool. He notices a large, clear, plastic box on a shelf behind the bar with £20 notes stuffed into it.

He asks the barmaid “Ey love, what’s that box there for?”. She replies “Ah, that’s the 3 part pub challenge!”

Intrigued, the man asks her to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

I've got a wobbly fence in my back yard...

My friend says some of the fence posts are dodgy. He sent me to r/jokes because he said they're good at reposting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who does a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common?

Both have a white collar and black coat. And you’ve to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.

Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years

That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

Just bought a guitar.

The sale felt a little dodgy, lots of strings attached.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.