Cubs Jokes

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

They turn off their Xbox.

They lost the opener.

I wore my Indians shirt to the gym today. When I went to the locker room there were four guys in Cubs shirts. All of sudden they force me to the back of the locker room and start raping me. But I don't think it happened because I was wearing an Indians shirt though. I think it was just because they ... read more

Thanks, you've doomed us all.

Two lion cubs were born. They were brothers. While they will still very young, one lion was sent to a zoo in Australia and one was sent to a zoo in Italy.

Years later, the brothers meet again and discuss their lives.

The Australian brother says:

"These guys've been good to me, m... read more

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi... read more

They're used to disappointment.

Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.

...because the devil left to be President

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ... read more

But apparently he just swallows his pride.

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat... read more

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too... read more

I mean the Cubs won the World Series

One has cubs

Because when they were little, they were cubs.


I'm so sorry

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik... read more

A Hunter walks into the woods. While on the hunt, he sees a mother bear and her cubs. he thinks to himself, "Let me see if I can kill them." So he puts his sights on her and the cubs, when suddenly, he gets a little tap on his shoulder.

It's the father bear. He says, in a deep low voice, "Dro... read more

where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan.... read more

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us... read more