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Mates Jokes

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

My house mates are convinced that our house is haunted...

I've been here 235 years and haven't noticed a thing!

Me and my mates stayed up all night last night telling Yo Mama jokes.

She’s got a great sense of humour. Send my love.

Why does a queen bee have so many mates?

Their survival relies on their poly-nation.

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates.
LinkedIn > Inmates.
Amazon > Primates.
Tinder > Intimates.
ServiceNow > Nowmates.
Snowflake > Snowmates.
Postmates > Postmatemates.

What species gives the best head to their mates?

A mantis.

My mates were sent to prison,

now they're inmates.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

I went to my mates funeral...

... and when the speeches were on I stood up and said, "Plethora."

I sat down, and his wife said to me, "thank you, that means a lot."

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

I just got back from my mates funeral

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball

It was a lovely service

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

My mates works on the railway.

He does maintenance or maybe engineering....
Something along those lines anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mates son got chucked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. That's the 3rd school this year.

Maybe teaching's not for him.

How do you make new mates?

*Asking for a friend.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"
"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."
"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"
"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"
"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."
"No, honestly, I remem...

Invited by Office mates

Wife: Why did you just get home?


Husband: I’m so sorry. My office mates invited me to go out and we had a couple of drinks. \*burps\*


Wife: You’re drunk, aren’t you?


Husband: Me? Drunk? No! Of course not! \*burps\*


Wife: What do you mean “no”? ...

My mates call me stingy, so i decided to buy them a beer...

Turns out, they wanted 1 each.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This bloke goes out to the bush to visit a mate...

He's there for a couple of days, until he's bored shitless. So he says to his mate, "Fuck me rotten, I'm so bored. What do you do for fun mate?"

His mate replies, "Well, you can go shooting tomorrow if you like. Take out my 303 and my dogs. That's always fun."

So he goes out the nex...

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils,

but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

Two mates are sitting at the bar,

The first one says "Listen, you have two choices. A) Be forever with your wife or-" His friend stops him and shouts "B! B! B!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes out to a bar with his mates.

A man goes out to a bar with his mates for some fun. They were all drinking and having a great time until the man checks his watch and realises it’s 3 am and remembers he has work in a few hours. So the mates decide enough is enough it’s time to head home. As the man grabs his keys to drive back to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

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