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Convenience Store Jokes

Two men go to a convenience store.

One of the men asks for a pack of condoms, and the lady at the counter gives the condoms, no questions asked.

One week later, the same two men enter the same convenience store. The same man asks the same woman for a pack of condoms. He receives the condoms, no questions asked.

Every we...

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

A man walks into a convenience store,

Picks up a can of fly spray and asks the assistant
"Is this good for wasps?"
The assistant replied:
"No. It kills them."

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

A man walks into a convenience store to buy condoms...

Cashier: " That will be $12.60, sir. Do you need a bag?"

Man: "No, thanks. She's not that ugly"

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

In which part of a convenience store are you most likely to find umbrellas?

Aisle B: There for you when the rain starts to fall

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

A man walks out of a convenience store

A woman carrying an infant walks up to him.

"Could you spare some money sir, my child hasn't eaten in two days!"

The man replied, "Three days actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? You've told me this yesterday as well."

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A guy goes to a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms.

The woman behind the counter asks him what size he needs.

"Gee, I guess I'm not sure." Replies the guy.

The woman tells him, "Go out around the corner and you'll find a fence with three holes in it. Stick your penis in to each one and tell me which size fits best. "

The guy walk...

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A man goes to the convenience store..

.. he picks up two apples, a toothbrush, a bag of birdseeds, a bottle of wine, and large pack of batteries.

When it’s his turn to pay at the cash register, the cute female cashier looks shortly at the mans purchases and then has a glance at the man. She then says: “ah... you must be single”. ...

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

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A guy walks into a convenience store...

he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Be...

I used to work at a convenience store

Until working there became and inconvenience

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The animal convenience store

It was 11am and all the forest animals were waiting in line for the convenience store to open. Some were obviously more calm than others.

Suddenly, the rabbit was making his way up through the line towards the store when the bear stops him.

"Trying to cut in line eh? " and Wham!, he wh...

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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.

They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The fat...

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not."

The second can say only "One dollar-fifty."

The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"


A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c...

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store.

He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head.

Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!"

Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around."

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

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A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored..

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored and decides to grab a slushie. Still bored and with business being slow he grabs a porno magazine and starts "reading" it.

Just then three elderly ladies come into the store. With his pants down and hand on his junk the clerk hurriedl...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

Dude goes to convenience store and asks for cigarettes, gets one and warning reads " Smoking can cause impotency"

politely asks "Bro, give me the pack that causes cancer"

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.

*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*

Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a cla...

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I was offered sex today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available wit...

A man is waiting in line at a convenience store when the man in front of him puts a raw steak on the counter and leaves with his purchase.

The guy sees this and thinks to himself, "I bet a steak is way cheaper than what I usually buy at this store, I should try that!" So the next day he cooks up a well done steak, takes it to the store, and when the cashier rings him up, puts it on the counter. The cashier looks a bit concerned and say...

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Two frogs are about to have sex ...

The female frog says "I think we should use a condom." The male frog replies "No problem, there is a convenience store a couple of houses down the road. I'll go buy some. Any preferences?" She replies "Ribb it"!

A young man is working his first day at a convenience store when a 4-foot tall woman walks in to purchase a bottle of soda.

When she goes up to the counter, he looks at her nervously and then pours the take a penny, leave a penny bowl into the change drawer and tells her that there is no charge. Confused, she asks why he did that. He explains to her that it is his first day on the job and that his boss told him that the ...

A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all

Kurdled

Counterfeiters

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t kno...

House Arrest

There's a convenience store in North Carolina that's right on the beach. It's on stilts so it doesn't get swept away. But the stilts got arrested for holding up a convenience store!!!

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Tampons

A man walks into a supermarket, asks the clerk where the Tampons are.
She told him Aisle 14.
He comes back a few minutes later with a big bag of large cotton balls...and some kite string.
Puzzled, the girl asks him if he wasn't the one asking for Tampons?
" it's a long story," ...

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life

the oracle took his glass orb, searched the mans future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807”

The man happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery n...

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What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

Another penguin joke

This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.

A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.

...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert

As they're walking the come upon a convenience store. They go inside to gather supplies for the long journey home.

The brunette says "I'll grab plenty of water so we can have enough to drink."

The redhead says "I'll grab food so we have enough to eat."

The blonde says "I'll gra...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

Fishing with Bubba

One day a local went in to the sheriff and told him that Bubba was breaking the law when he went fishing. The sheriff called the game warden and sent him to investigate.

The game warden found Bubba at the convenience store packing ice into his beer cooler with a boat attached to his truck....

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An old lady pulls out a condom with a cigarette in it

Her friend asks "Why do you do that?"

She replies "Well it has its benefits...it keeps your cigarettes fresher!"

Fascinated, the friend heads down to the local convenience store and asks the clerk "May I have some condoms please?"

The clerk chuckles but then says "Sure m'am, w...

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.

The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in constru...

A penguin is out driving in the desert when he hears a pop and his tire goes flat.

He manages to pull into a gas station to have the mechanic check it out. As he's waiting, he notices the convenience store is selling some ice cream, and he decides he could do with some good cold ice cream.

He goes in and buys his favorite flavor, vanilla, then goes out and sits on the curb ...

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Mom, triplets and a smoking gun.

A mother, pregnant with triplets, was shopping in the local convenience store. Suddenly a man came in with a gun, held up the owner, and demanded all their cash.

The owner, tired of being robbed, also pull out a gun. And in the ensuing gun fire the mother was shot three times in her stomach. ...

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An old Jew

An old Jew who survived the German concentration camps is living in America. Every Monday he goes to his local convenience store and buys a lotto ticket. One day he hits a winner and wins big. The first thing he buys is a life size statue of Adolph Hitler to put in his living room. His family and fr...

Letter to Tide from beloved consumer

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. My wife started to berate me about my clumsiness and how expensive the shirt was. That I was stupid, couldn't even hold a glass rig...

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Two men are talking at a job placement office

about how difficult it is to get a job when you have a criminal record. The first guy says, "Well, it's all about putting a positive spin on it. Take me for example, I was arrested for trying to rob the same convenience store 6 times. So I tell people that I'm persistent, tenacious, and refuse to gi...

My neighbors are Democrats and I'm Republican

One day I was working in the garden when they came home with their young daughter from school.
I asked them how everything was going and they told me that a job orientation week had just taken place.

So I asked their daughter: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She respond...

My buddy Sam is a thief.

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

A man gets a job on a train...

A man gets a job on a train. He starts off as anyone does, as a lowly janitor. He sweeps the floors, cleans the seats, and scrubs the windows. He doesn't get paid much, but he's a hard-working man, and does his job well. He's such a hard worker that eventually he gets promoted to ticket collector. H...

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