What do you call a satisfied clairvoyant?

A happy medium.

How does the alchemist keep his lady satisfied?

Elixir.

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

Statistics

Statistically:

\- 5 people out of 6 are satisfied with the result of Russian roulette

\- 0 out of 6 people complain about the result

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

A man and a leprechaun

Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine.

A man walks into a washroom. Lo and behold, he sees a leprechaun doing his business.
The guy is elated, he grabs the leprechaun  and exclaims "Aha! I got you! Now you have to grant me a wish". ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

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Native American boy asks his father, the cheif questions

One day a young Native American boy asks his father, "Father, why is my sister's name Flowers in the Wind?" His father The Chief replies, "Well my son, on the morning your sister was born I stepped outside and named her the first thing that I saw. And what I saw was the pedals from flowers running w...

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A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...

...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,

"What beer is this? Who makes it?"

The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."...

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night.

The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole.

Go...

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

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A businessman is called up for an IRS audit….

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told...

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

After a great late-night cup of coffee, the wife posted on Facebook, "Satisfied!"

The husband woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

Kevin and Jake had fallen on bad days. Finally, they resorted to theft.

They decided to break into a millionaire's house the following night. Inside the house, Jake accidentally dropped a goblet, which shattered. The noise woke someone up. "Who's there?" the voice demanded. Jake had the presence of mind to reply "meow." After grabbing his fill, Jake slipped out into the...

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed.

The Chicken was smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its beak.

The Egg was pouting and looking very frustrated.

Finally, the Egg got up to go to the bathroom. Just before closing the door, it turned around and said to the Chicken:

“Well, I guess we settled THAT questio...

What do you call a YouTuber who's really satisfied with life?

A content creator

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

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A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."

\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"

\- "How? Tell me more about it."

\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time ...

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

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3 men decided to take a walk down a nature trail

They all had long work weeks and just wanted some peace and quiet. After some walking together, the trail branched off into 3 separate paths. They discuss what they wanted to do next and decided they all wanted some alone time, and that the paths would meet back up anyways. They go their seperate wa...

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

Every evening, after they were finished with their work at the diamond mines, on their way home to their cottage, the seven dwarves would stop at a bar.

The bartender knew that the dwarves all liked hazelnut daiquiris, so every time the dwarves arrived at the bar, he would make sure that they all had hazelnut daiquiris.

One afternoon, when the bartender was making the daiquiris, he realized that he only had enough hazelnut extract to make six...

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

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How do you know when a redhead has been sexual satisfied by you?

She unties you.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On th...

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Hosi pappa and sex

When Hosi pappa was 97, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah: "Mr. Hosi, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age, I think that's remarkable."

Hosi pappa: "I just take good care of myself and enjoy whatever I do, plus as a Parsi we live ve...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

What do you call someone that had great potential in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job?

Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me "son"

Why was the protein powder maker never satisfied with his work?

He always kept looking for new wheys to improve

Why are Asian brides always so satisfied?

Because when ever you eat Chinese you're always hungry an hour later.

I love jokes about sheep dogs..

I won’t be satisfied until I’ve herd them all.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

A man walks into a bar with his monkey.

The man and his monkey take a seat at the bar and the man orders two beers. The monkey is cool for a while, sipping his beer, but then jumps up from his stool, runs over to the billiard table and eats one of the balls. He then returns to his stool, and resumes drinking his beer.

Before the b...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:

'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'

Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.

'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone....

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

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Some women are never satisfied.

Last night i gave my girlfriend the biggest orgasm of her life. What did she do, spit it out.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

If someone gave me a dollar for every woman I have ever satisfied,

I’d owe them 5 bucks.

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Older gentleman walks into the brothel...

... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not p...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender doesn’t say anything and gives him his three beers,the man drinks all three and leaves

This goes on for a couple weeks and eventually the bartender gets curious enough to ask.

He says “Why do always buy three beers at once ?”

The man says to the bartender “ Back in...

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

My friend at NASA told me he was very satisfied to discover a lake on Mars.

He told me it was always a wet dream of his.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

After The Flood...

After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.

"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"

The snakes stared at him in confusion.

"But....we're adders."

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

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A Captain in the Foreign Legion

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long w...

Chad wants to divorce his wife.

He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.

He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.

The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.

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Hot n’ steamy.

I used to be the center of all the guys attention. When I woke up, men would be lined up waiting for me at the door.
Every time I changed clothes, used the bathroom, or took a shower, they’d try and have their way with me.
I’ve had so much sex that I lost count.
After they were satisfied, I...

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A man is walking in Russia

when he shouts "I hate that stupid leader with his stupid mustache!"

A soldier, on hearing that, arrests the man and takes him straight to Stalin.

The soldier told Stalin what he heard and so Stalin asks the man what he meant when he said that.

The man replies "I was talking ab...

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A woman goes in for a facelift

The doctor tells her, “We have a revolutionary new device that we install on the back of your neck. Whenever you feel that you need more lift, you turn the knob on the device and it will tighten your skin.”

The woman is ecstatic and gets the device installed. She has it for about 6 months an...

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How do you know you've satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

Women are never satisfied. They say they want to be swept off of their feet

and then scream when you go put them in a trunk.

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

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